(Aradha)Pazhaya Pettai - Archaic Dominion

Dearest Selvaraghavan,

Thanks for offering to listen to my questions about your newest trendsetter "Pudhupettai". Its not even 30 minutes since I came out of the theater and I am still spellbound. I just don't have any words to describe it. Or wait, maybe I have one. Just one. I don't know if it would do justice to your achievement, but let me try. One word. Feces.

How do you manage to make movie after movie with the exact same template ?? Let me explain. All your movies open with a song where the hero or a lead character indulges in acts you wouldn't want your own son to indulge in, later you somehow manage to defend all his outrageous acts by squarely blaming a) his parents b) his friends or c) the society at large. Then, you bring in a lead lady who just sneezes a few times and the guy who was Idi Amin till yesterday is transformed into Oscar Schindler. Do you actually know there are *other* ways to write a movie ?? How about a realistic movie about a granny, a crow and a urad dal cake for starters ??

You copied the assasination sequence from Coppola. You copied the one-screen-multiple-pane technique from De Palma. You copied the court room scene, again, from Ford Coppola. You copied the black-and-white-sequences-with-blood-being-the-only-color from Rodriguez. You copied the hero-slays-an-army-of-assasins from Tarantino. You copied the end-credits-says-fate-of-everyone technique from Lucas. Don't you have any shame ?? I agree, a person who made movies like "7G Rainbow Colony" cannot afford to have a quality like that, but I ask again, Don't you have any shame ??

We understand you love your brother, so much so that you cast him in the role of a fearless Don. But what we fail too understand is how you could possibly approve a scene where the Don is wearing only a cut banian when the Don under question has a physique that would put Vadivel of yesteryears to shame ?? I agree, physical prowess has nothing to do with being a Don, I have known a few in Madurai. But dhanush ??

Do you really believe using swear words that are beeped out make your movie into a "realistic and hard-hitting" movie ?? For the record, No. They do not. The only thing that it helps is to offer us newer ways of releiving our frustration after the movie is over.

This post is not organised. It is heavily cluttered and is a pain to read. It has absolutely no sense of order and ends up gibbering arbitrary amount of data as it feels fit. This post is so disjoint that it challenges the intelligence of someone who does not register a valid value in the IQ meter. Precisely. I am glad you and I have the same opinion about each other's works.

A hero does not have to shout the roof down to prove his point. A mere look would just do. Ask your brother to check with his father-in-law.

Yes, love is blind. We all agree. But when your girl friend can't act for nuts, you should stop with making some home-made movies for her birthday and leave it at that.

There was a couple in the theatre who earn in dollars, but are stingy enough not to afford to a baby sitter and brought their young kid inside the theatre and spoilt the movie for us, them, the kid and the rest of the audience. Yes, it would be difficult to believe that someone can spoil this movie further, but you just have my word for it.

You cannot make a convincing gangster movie, you are not Ram Gopal Verma. You cannot make genuinely funny faux-pas sequences, you are not Mani Rathnam. You cannot make a mass entertainer, you are not Dharani. You cannot innovatively picturise songs, you are not Shankar. You cannot make a movie that will make us think about things that we never thought about, you are not Kamal. Your heroes do not elicit even a shade of sympathy from any self-respecting human being, you are not Bala. You cannot have violence in your movie and make it non-gratituous, you are not Spielberg. You cannot make a movie that will hold the audience for 3 hours, you are not Peter Jackson. What are you exactly ??

Point to ponder: There is a consesus that you are over-rated. But after this movie, where all the good sequences are shamelessly lifted from other works, do you even deserve a rating at all ??

After 3 hours of non-stop nonsense, you cram in heavy messages within 5 minutes and expect us all to wipe our tears and give you a standing ovation. Such films are called "News Reels" which run *before* the main feature starts. I see a promising career for you there.

The climax. A fitting finale to the 180 minutes of pain we endured.

You get Kamal to sing an awesome song. You cut it in half. You get the good looking sneha to do a role, and you give her poor screen time. You get the flavor-of-the-day Yuvan Shankar to do the musical score and you just spew like it confetti all over the movie. You claim to sculpt a movie for two years and you give us this. Dont get me wrong, I am not saying "You disappointed us Selva". You never promised anything with your previous trash. But for all the talk about reconstructing Thamizh movies, your way of making movies are no different from your dad's - stereotypical and hopelessly boring.

I paid $10 for this trash. Do you know how hard a middle-aged man has to work to make two ends meet ?? I need a refund. I will also agree for a settlement if you promise to make no more movies. After all, What is $10 when it comes to saving your bretheren ??

And yes, The theatre didn't have hand towels. You are probably not directly responsible for that, but I am in such a mood today that I could even hold you responsible for The Big Bang.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

No More Anagrams

Jean Reno : I am sure most of you, on encountering a hot-headed french inspector in the book, decided that it had to be Jean Reno. Even Ronnie Howard told me he wrote the character of Bezu Fache with me in mind. That's why I tried to bring the much-hated Bezu Fache alive on screen right from the word "Go". Half-way through the movie, you would see me scratching my chin at regular intervals trying to find the whereabouts of Langdon. Nope, I was actually wondering how I said okay to this role. Towards the end, I am as glad you are that it is all over.

Paul Bettany : Now, accept it. For a second, you would end up wondering if it is Silas playing himself in the opening sequence. I, with my naturally gifted complexion that the role demands, fit in neatly with my torture instruments (or instruments of chastening, you prude). I even held the movie together with my cold depiction of the murderous-yet-pious Silas. Just when you think Ron had nailed this one, I got reminded of that brilliant scene from a south indian movie called "Nayagan". Don't believe me ?? See it for yourself. But don't laugh out loud. It is meant to be a serious scene.

Sir Ian Mckellen : Gandalf. Magneto. And now I am slated to play an eccentric british bounty hunter. The possibilities are endless. And so they look when I make my entry. But then, as a rule, every character in this movie should spin around himself/herself and drive all the viewers crazy. Didn't I just do that ??

Hans Zimmer : For all the fans out there who thought Leigh Teabing was the biggest villain of the movie, think again. My music, which is supposed to breathe life into a movie, sucks whatever life remains from this half-dead script. Come on, you can't all be so theatrical. Now does the music really have to reach a crescendo when some major turning point occurs ?? All thats passe. Be it Robert and Sophie running for dear life in London, or Langdon breaking the secret to Sophie towards the end, or Silas lurking around Chateville - I have some jaw-dropping music for the occasion - good, old, plain elevator music.

Akiva Goldsman: Now listen, I agree that the screenplay was insipid. What were you expecting ?? Indiana Jones ?? I see you are bugged with the way half the movie runs on subtitles. Hey, the movie happens in France, okay ?? I also understand you are pissed with some absolutely ridiculous dialogues, but come on, this is a pop corn thriller. What ?? You are now irritated with the fact that there was little or no action in the movie that was there in the book ?? Oh give me a break, this is a contemporary thriller. They are meant to be like that. You thought the book was far better ?? Hey, I am not Spielberg to make a monster movie out of an above-average novel. But then, dont suspect my credentials okay. I have "A Time to Kill" and "A Beautiful Mind" to my credit. You all think this is a surefire winner then. You are sure nothing can go wrong with the screen play. After watcing the movie and looking up my filmography, you see that I also have "I, Robot" and "Batman & Robin" to my credits. Fooled you, hehehe.

Ron Howard: I want to make an action movie like "Backdraft". No, no, I want to make a thriller movie like "Ransom". Nah, I want to make a movie with strong characters like "Apollo 13". Or maybe, I will just make a nice documentary. Or wait a second, I have Tom Hanks' dates. Brian Grazer got me the rights for "The Da Vinci Code". I have never been to the Louvre. The wife wants to buy something from Harrod's. Maybe I can finish all the above and get a paycheck from Sony ?? What I lost with a below-par script, I will make it up with some fascinating CGI superimposing flashback sequences into present day. I will also get some grainy look which would make it look more authentic. Utterly inappropriate did you say ?? Hey, its not my money. Its Sony's. Man, Now, That's what I call a brainwave.

Audrey Tautou: I am cute. I am gorgeous. I am 22 and I am french. And just when you brace yourself for one thing that went right in the movie, I start acting. Or, I start trying to act. In an attempt to get an authentic french actress to play the role, they picked me. What they forgot to remember was my english accent was also authentically french. Sometimes when I speak, the audience were left wondering why there were no subtitles for me when all the other french-speaking parts had them. Bozo, that was me talking in English. Now tell me, did I do justice to the role or not ?? In particular, the scene where I show all my anguish and sorrow and despair at my grandfather's killer. Did you hear Oscar bells ringing or was that you insensitive freaks guffawing ??

Tom Hanks : Folks, I am a simpleton called Forrest Gump. I am a humane jail warden called Paul Edgecomb. I am a relentless cop called Carl Hanratty. I am a cold-hearted-killer/loving-father called Michael Sullivan. I am a hotshot cowboy called Woody. I am not NOT a Harvard Symbologist called Robert Langdon. I repeat, I am NOT. Robert Langdon is Harrison Ford in a tweed suit. Russell Crowe can be HF in a TS. Hugh Jackman can be HF in a TS. John Cusack be a HF in a TS. I can be a middle-aged man who said okay to an interesting thriller and lost the plot half-way through and phoned-in my performance.

Dan Brown: Hey guys, I got something interesting
The Ensemble (in chorus): What ??
Dan Brown: The title for this blog. It's an anagram about the movie.
The Ensemble(in chorus): And what is that ??
Dan Brown: O Man, Maga Snorer.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

Good Samaritan

Battle Ship "Death Star". 43 Light Years from Ganymede

Palpatine was happy. Extremely happy. This was the best moment in his professional career and he was thoroughly enjoying every moment of it. He had planned for this since the last two millenia and today was the day he was going to reap the benefits of that. Once he goes back home, he will become Supreme Chancellor of Titania and the whole planet will sway to his will. Heck, if he was lucky, the Queen would even marry him and he could even become The High Emperor.

The Queen. That reminded him.
"Commander Palpatine to Control Room. How long do you need ??", he bellowed on the two-way receiver.
"Commander, we are 234 aeons away from the planet. We should reach the rendezvous point in Zee minus 45 tritiums", responded Ewok, Palpatine's Captain, man-servant, ego-vent, plaything, all-in-one.
"Fine don't stand there then. Get moving and Make sure you call me before you enter the Zone. I need to do the honors myself", said Palpatine.
"We understand Commander. Hail", replied Ewok.
"You better", said Palpatine to himself. The moment he activates the Fazer Cannons on the Nest would be his crowning glory. Palpatine sipped his drink and eased into his chair and thought about the events of the past. How he met with his destiny. How he could become Supreme Chancellor.

Titania. A planet inhabited by Terogons, a race superior to almost every other race in the galaxy, ruled for eternity by Jabba, The Queen Chosen. It was when Palpatine was captain at the Enforcement that Jabba became Queen and he immediately realised that she was the key to his dreams of world domination. Jabba was young, restless, ambitious and, most importantly, dull which suited Palpatine's plan just fine. She just needed a trigger. Palpatine gave her a vision. A colony of planets centrally ruled by Titania with Jabba as the Queen Chosen for the entire Galaxy. The rest was entirely easy. The Terogons, until then a peace-loving working class of species, were transformed in to a war-hungry parasite species moving from planet to planet in conquest.

Palpatine remembered the early days when he and the Queen made public their desire of world domination and colonialisation. The naturally-pacifist Counsels of The Queen were all up in arms and the movement of peaceful protests was carefully spreading among the worker-terogons. Something had to be done before it got out of hand. Some were bought out. Some were "politely" requested to retire. Most of them just disappeared. Palpatine suppressed a chuckle at how easily he handled it. Now, the entire chamber of The Counsels was his to obey. It had been a bloody path that Palpatine had walked to get to where he is, but at the end of it, there was a decorated Throne, and if it meant more blood, Palpatine didn't care much.

The first Hunt proved to be a bit challenging, but after a few routine operations, it had become so easy and safe. The Modus Operandi for each hunt was similar. Jabba and Palpatine decide on the planet to annex. Once that is done, a scout was sent deep into the planet to safely hide The Capsules in subterranean vantage positions. The Capsules contains life fragments of warrior-terrogons, a special breed created by Jabba and Palpatine out of worker-terragons. The Capsules themselves mature in a few millenia, but for fully grown warrior-terrogons to be formed, they need to be fed with the Queen's life source for a while. The Queen was initially reluctant since a prolonged absense of millenia would destroy Titania's monarchy, what with the democrats voicing out for a people-led government. Palpatine had a way around that too. He invented The Nest. The Nest is a miniature palace for the Queen that would be hidden in a place strategically advantageous to the invasion. 60 years before the invasion, a second scout would hide The Nest in the planet and The Queen would start feeding The Capsules. The only catch was to hide it in a place rich in clean liquids. The Queen would have to live on clean liquids to rejuvenate herself after the tiresome job of feeding life source into millions of warrior-terragons. Once the process was complete, Palpatine and his minions would travel down to the planet in their battleship and use the Fazer Cannons to unlock The Nest. That in turn would trigger the millions of capsules hidden in the planet and unleash the warrior-terragons. In short, it would unleash hell. No planet was able to withstand the onslaught for more than few hours.

"Control Room to Commander. Sir, we have visual"
"Good. Keep steady. I will be down there in a minute".

Drumming his fingers on the deck impatiently, Palpatine asked, "Captain, are we there yet ?? We seem to be going around in circles".
"My apologies Commander. But this seems to be area recorded in the Co-ordinate Seeker. It is a perfect match" replied Ewok.
"This place ?? Are you telling me this is where I hid The Nest ?? I told you I hid it under a lake. A crystal clear lake. Not under some dirty sewer. Your console must have been jammed. Try again"
"Err, commander, I verified the location with our master database and it undoubtedly says that this is indeed the place".
Palpatine felt a drop of sweat behind his neck. Did he actually record the wrong co-ordinates ?? This is not some hidden treasure he is searching. He is searching for The Nest. The Queen.
"Give me manual controls", bellowed Palpatine.

After hours of trying all that Palpatine could see in this place was this big sewer and no signs of a lake. Was he just plain lost ?? Panic was setting in slowly. There was absolutely no way that Palpatine could have hid the nest here. This whole place just stank more than all the dirt planets he had ever roamed. This just cannot be the place. Trembling, Palpatine invoked the Manual Track button which would home in on the Nest's Geo-synchronous system. Blimp. Blimp-blimp. Blimp-blimp. Palpatine lifted his head to look at the screen. The Nest was responding. But, the response was very poor. It almost seemed like The Nest was fading out. Dying, in fact.

It dawned on Palpatine in an instance. The Sewer. The Sewer did this. The Queen was replenishing her thirst with The Sewer instead of the clear water that Palpatine thought it was there. Had he been fooled ?? Had his eyes played tricks and made it look like clear water ?? Was it God's Hand that did this to him ?? Palpatine decided to give it his final shot. Blast The Nest with the Fazer Cannons and resurrect The Queen. He aimed hard at the location where the blimp originated and fired. Nothing. He fired again. Nothing. And then, the realisation came to him. The razor-sharp rays of the Fazer Cannons were not able to penetrate the thick viscous liquid that lay in the Sewer. Palpatine turned to look at the terminal and right at the instance, the blimp died. The Nest was destroyed. All connected capsulses would self-destruct in mere seconds. Most importantly, The Queen was dead. For the first time, Palpatine had lost.

No, maybe he hadn't. Maybe this was a new beginning. Maybe this was his short cut to becoming High Emperor of Titania. There was an opportunity here to be exploited. Palpatine was surprised it didn't strike him earlier. He just to kill Jabba and make it look like an accident. Darn. So many years wasted in hunting planets and playing second fiddle. He regained his composure and screamed at Ewok and his crew, "We lost the queen. It is some internal sabotage that will be uncovered. As Commander of The Enforcer and Interim High Emperor of Titania .... Hey Ewok, I am talking to you. Where are you looking at ??".

Ewok smiled. "Sir, I have some news for you. The peaceful protesters led by Sir Luke have overthrown The Empire. Titania is no more a kingdom. It is a democratic"

Palpatine didn't see this coming. He knew he had to make a move and now was a good time as any. "Oh well, then, let me retire to my room. I am taking the shuttle out for a reconnaisance mission"

Ewok smiled bigger this time. "Sir, you should do nothing of that kind. You shall retire to your quarters, stay there and await further orders. You have been demoted Commander, and if may add, under arrest for treason. Your end would be a new beginning for Titania's peaceful reign".

Palpatine bit his lip in anger. "Who do you think you are ??", he asked.
Ewok almost laughed, "The New Supreme Commander of The Enforcement.


Earth, 0400 Hrs
"Dude, is this place safe ??"
"Yeah yeah. Go on"
"I mean, no crocodiles or other dangerous creatures around, right ??"
"Any life form that comes to touching distance of this place will die. Can't you see that ??"
"Dude, errrr, is this okay ??"
"Is what okay ??"
"You know, defacing a public place. Aren't we some kind of public nuisance ??"
"Dude, look around. Can you make this place any dirtier" ??
"Yeah .. but still .... you know, my grandmother tells me this place was a fresh water lake many years ago"
"So what ?? Listen, You and I are not the only ones to do this. Everyone does this, okay ?? And just because we do it once, it is not the end of the world. Now stop talking, turn to the other side and do your thing. I cant take a peaceful dump while talking and you know that. Just get on with it and lets get out. Darned place stinks to hell. Ughghgh."

The Cooum silently sighed at the teeming millions of thankless jerks, saving their very same lives yet another time.


Credits
========
George Lucas
H G Wells

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

WMD

Prologue

"Cheer up Lucy, It is not the end of the world".
"But Lois, you don't understand. This .... this should have been my biggest moment as a fashion designer. But now, ... now, I don't know where I am headed. If this doesn't work out, my whole career is doomed", said Lucy emptying a new box of hand towels.
"Lucy, Let me care of this"
"But Lois, how could _you_ ..."
"Sheesh, of course not _me_, but I know of someone who might help us out", said Lois with a knowing smile.
"But, would he ??", asked Lucy.
"Trust me dear, he _better_" said Lois, extending a fresh box of tissue papers.

Morning, Present Day

I feel different today. I think everyone does on their first day to work. Dad believed that human beings placed unshakeable faith on the maxim "First impression being the Best impression". And boy, the kind of impression I'm going to make today, am sure the rest of Kansas is going to talk about it for ages to come. People would go "I was there on his first day", "He was right next to me, wearing that brilliant suit", "Oh boy, what an entry". People screaming my name. Yes, it feels good to be creating history. If only I could fly before Lois comes in.

I heard someone say "Helllllloooo Dearrrr" from behind. Trouble. Folks, That is Lois - My Girl. My sweetheart. No, she is not Trouble. A "Hello" with an unbelievable number of 'L's and 'O's. Now, _that_ is Trouble. That suffixed by a drawly "Dear". Disaster. Should keep a straight face.

"So, did you think about it Darling??", asked Lois.
Darn. Not again.
"Lois, We had this conversation yesterday. The answer is No", I cut a straight face. That is the only way to handle a woman's opening gambit. The trustworthy-and-almost-invincible Mushy-Mushy.
"Honey, my sister got this assignment on her internship. And she has to make this work to get the job. We got to help her out. If you could only ..."
"No, Love. I cannot. I just cannot. Your sister's design, its just ... just plain hideous. For chrissake, did you even look at it ?? it's Red in color." There, I couldn't get straigher. I think I am getting better at this game.

"My sister has been through a lot", I could see red in Lois' eyes now. Oh dear, this isn't going the way I planned. She switched from the time-tested Mushy-mushy to i-am-a-wronged-woman-and-you-are-not-getting-away-with-it Menacing within a nano-second. I know where this headed. I know what follows Menacing. Change course right now. Dont let her corner you. Don't let your voice show your weakness, but make sure you repair the damage. Easy. "I didn't mean it that way", I said. I thought I quavered a bit towards the end. Just a bit. I hope she didn't notice it.

A shark tracks a drop of blood in the water from more than 5 miles away. A lion scents a gazelle from 10 miles or even more. The woman nails the man down with a single syllable of uncertainity from a recitation of a four-page reading comprehension. Lois is the woman's woman, and she is not going to let go.

"All I ask is - Can't you do this for me ??", she burst out in tears. Notice the italicized "me". There, the metamorphosis is now complete. From the i-am-breathing-fire Menacing to now-beat-that-if-you-can Melodramatic. The single most powerful weapon of mass destruction that no man, ordinary or super, can ever witstand. All our cards were face up and she has a full house. My game was over, with my pride being the only thing at stake. Hmm, Come to think of it, whose going to know even if I do it ?? Thankfully, no one. Maybe I can still get away with something worthwhile if I play this right.

"Okay hon, I will do it. I will do it for you", I repeat what zillions of other men are repeating across the universe for aeons without the slightest hint of what they are getting themselves into. "But honey, am already wearing one. And let us just assume that I wear this for you, no one is even going to see it", I said in all honesty.
A face which was mobbed with tears just a second ago, lightened up like a shooting star. When life comes to smoother times, I should remember to ask her how they even manage to do it.
"I know and I have an idea", she said.
It didn't hit me for a second. And then, it did. Like an oncoming Comet.
"Lois, you got to be kidding me".


Evening, Present Day
10 miles from the Smallville Train Station, where a train which was about to leap out of a bridge was miraculously saved by someone/something

"It .. It ... He saved us!!!!"
"Daddy, I need a dress like that"
"Daddy ... Me too !!!"
"Its a bird !!!!"
"No, Its a Plane !!!!"
"No, no .. Its .... Hey, wait a second ?? Why is he wearing it __outside__ ??"

"Darn it Dad, Why on Krypton did you send me to this planet ??"

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...