English Tuitions

Practical Joke : noun - A mischievous trick played on a person, especially one that causes the victim to experience embarrassment, indignity, or discomfort.

is what the Bartender did when we begged him to change the music played from a mind-numbing trance number to something else. He promptly changed to "Jhalak Dhiklaaja" remix by Himmesh Reshmaiyya. Thanks to Beckham, Baawa and Rumkumar (sic), I escaped Death by Dismal Music.

Doomsday : noun - Judgment Day.

would be the day when orkut, a social networking site where single wo/men find themselves "kewl, hawt or bindaas" and want to "make fraandship" because the person is question has a "beautiful name and face", is banned at work. A walk down the aisle for coffee and all I can see is multitudes of screens showing the same bluish background of orkut with pictures of people taken in standard set pieces (Statue of Liberty, Snow in New Jersey, Times Square, ) with standard hobbies (read books, watch movies, listen to music) and standard testimonials (cho chweet, great guy, best buddy).

Perennial : adjective - Lasting an indefinitely long time

Underperformers and the next word that comes to your mind is the Spanish Football team. True to their billing, they lost their match to a french team that wouldn't be out of place in a charity veteran's tournament. With Torres, Villa and Xabi, they can only go higher. All this makes the job easier for overhyped Brazil (Yes, you read it right. Over Hyped). Germany, with 11 players on a field and few thousands off it, would scrape through Argentina making it even easier for Brazil. England would beat a Deco/Cristiano/Costinha-less Portugal with a clumsy Crouch header in the dying minutes, again helping out brazil. Italy would feign yet another dive and win against Ukraine while Brazil would kick the crap out of France as a revenge for 98. Germany would peak against Italy while Brazil would whizz past England. By the time of the final, Germany would have lost steam and a lacklustre Brazil would win again. Half of the world will go "I told you so" and we will get back to our daily lives. Duh.

Heartburn : noun - A burning sensation, usually centered in the middle of the chest near the sternum, caused by the reflux of acidic stomach fluids that enter the lower end of the esophagus. Also called acid reflux, cardialgia, pyrosis.

is slightly similar in sensation to the pain that anxious parents go through after watching this new songathon from the increasingly innovative Sun Music. As some hopeless song blares in the background, the foreground is alive with SMS messages, 10 out of 20 are a "I luv uuuuuu soooooooo much Sindhu/Pooja/Ilavarasi/" with the other 10 being "miss u 2 Dhanasekar/Ravikumar/Senthil Murugan". Mind you, nothing against people in love or PDA, but an error-ridden SMS on a braindead program on an also-ran television channel ?? Sun TeeVee, I bow to thee.

Tactless : adj - Lacking or exhibiting a lack of tact; bluntly inconsiderate or indiscreet.

are those Interior Decorators at Westside Garuda Mall who put the Women's Lingerie section right outside the trial room. Stand there and get burnt by fiery glares from other women. Move out feeling odd and fail to nod your head when the missus comes out wearing her new stock looking for your approval, and get burnt by the woman. Darned if you do, Darned if you don't.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

Home, Home Again

Dhoni takes over from Sachin, Aishwarya, Aamir and Shahrukh and sells almost everything, including Mysore Sandal Soap.

The centuries-old plan of going straight and taking a left/right at the upcoming sharkal (circle, for people who are weak in english) is the best way to get from Point A to Point B. No mapquest, no google maps and no GPS.

The success or failure of your trip depends on the number of chocolates you bring from the US.

There is a laughing club in my complex with members older than independent India. I am not sure if its a good idea to hold their daily classes adjacent to the jogging track where people of different dimensions huff and puff their way to fat reduction. I dread the day I am going to join them.

Traffic still seems to be a game of mutual trust where a honk could mean anywhere between "you trying to fit in your monster tempo into that miniscule space between me and and the other biker ?? get a life, you evil-minded tempo-driver" to "groan".

A scene from yesterday's "Thaga Thaga Thaga Thaga Thanga Vettai"
A disproportionate Ramya Krishnan: "The pandavas were how many in number ??"
Kid with big, uneasy smile who would sing 'Kalyanandhan Katikkitu odi polama' without missing a beat: (looks at the ceiling for divine intervention)
ADRK: "Who was the king who vowed that he would never lie ??"
Another KWBUSWWSKKOPWMAB: (this one has a change of tactics and looks at the flooring now, again looking for divine intervention)
The future is bright. Its exploding right in front of our eyes into smithereens.

That lady from Koothupattarai still gets roles where she cries over the death/accident/arrest/other social calamity of her son/daughter. Her impressive track record contains glycerine-guzzling roles from Muthalvan (as Arjun's mom who floods the streets when the house is demolished), Ramana (as the mother of Unidentified Detainee and his High School going Sister) and Sudeshi (as mother of young school boy who gets killed by atrocious school teacher and his high maintenance wife). Forgetting how to laugh is an occupational hazard in her line of work.

Its great to go home and have piping hot food ready to be served. No more soul-searching questions of what to cook today so that it would hold up till day after tomorrow. No more fear of gruesome death by food poisoning.

The flyover connecting double road and richmond road still holds the record for being the only flyover in the world which has a makeshift traffic signal (a wiry cop running between buses with a stop sign in one hand and his life in the other). The flyover in Bannerghatta road beats Sudoku for a challenging puzzle. In a twist of fate, the airport road flyover looks to take more time to be operational than the completeion of the new international airport. Welcome to Bangalore where a flyover is a subtle hint for you to actually try and fly over.

I played a small game of wink-wink-grin-grin with a 3 year old kid in my apartment complex. I also did kichu-kichu in the dimples of that kid. All this without the fear of being reported to the police.

Its not essentially a bad thing to come back from the US without having any concrete plans of going back again. Really.

The number of people who realise that going to the US has absolutely nothing to do with individual talent or excellence goes up by atleast 1.

JP Nagar perumal kovil puliyodarai rocks. Sue me for being corny.

"Dent."
"Ah, Yes Truman"
"Do you know the story of a young prince by the name Rama who left his home for 14 years ??"
"Ah, yes"
"He came back after building the first trans-oceanic bridge known to man, fought a great warrior and finally flew back in a chariot tugged by swans"
"Ah, yeah"
"You, on the other hand left home for just 14 months and all that you did was to eat junk food, download megabytes of songs, watch NFL and finally flew back in economy class"
"Ah, yes."
"Does that put things in perspective ??"
"Yes. So ..."
"So, shut up".

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

Heed The Omen

"Also it causes all, both small and great, both rich and poor, both free and slave, to be marked on the right hand or the forehead, so that no one can buy or sell who does not have the mark, that is, the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom: let anyone with the understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a person. Its number is six hundred and sixty-six."

- Revelation 13:16-18

"Woe to you, Oh Earth and Sea, for the Devil sends the beast with wrath, because he knows the time is short. Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the
beast for it is a human number, its number is Six hundred and sixty six."

- Iron Maiden, "Number of The Beast"

When the Jews return to Zion
And a comet rips the sky
And the Holy Roman Empire rises,
Then You and I must die.
From the eternal sea he rises,
Creating armies on either shore,
Turning man against his brother
Til man exists no more.

- Father Brennan, "The Omen" [1976]

"The beast shalt unfurl an array of acts resulting in mind-numbing boredom for all and sundry. It shalt annoy people all around him one at a time. It shalt unleash unspeakable acts of vexation. It shalt make people question the meaning of their lives. Earth hath not seen such pain before nor shalt it see if aft. At midnight, on the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year of the new millenium, It shall descend from the sky.".

- The Book of Imbeciles Rubicond 1:4

"Is it true ??"
"Yes."
"Is he coming ??"
"Yes."
"Thank God".

- Two unsuspecting parents in an apartment in The City of Boiled Beans.

"Lufthansa Flight #754 from Frankfurt is on time and expected to arrive shortly"

- PA Announcement, Airport of aforesaid city 5th June 2006, 11:50pm

Heed the omen. You have been warned.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...