SageSpeak - All Is Never Lost - II

John Anderton was a man from the country side, and he was proud of it. One could see it in his walk, hear it in his talk and feel it in his laughter. John was the first in his family to ever make it out of school. The fact that he made it in his first attempt and coming first in the whole of his county was something that had become a folklore in those parts. John's mom was very reluctant to send him to the big city which "had no semblance of the values" and was "morally corrupt". But at the thought of seeing her son in the graduation suit, which she had never seen happen in any of the families she personally knew, she let him go, but not without a truck load of free advice.

When John stepped into college, computers were the only thing that meant anything to him. An angel running straight into him, knocking his stuff to the ground, picking it up, pushing back a wave of jet black hair and apologising profusely while holding his hands was definitely not what he was looking forward to. John hadnt seen anyone remotely beautiful like that in his life before. But remembering his mother's words of caution ["Never look at city-bred woman. They suck your life source through your eye-balls and sell it for chocolates"], he looked at her feet for so long until the heel-clad feet left with an audible huff and were replaced with boot-clad trunks.

"Lamar Burgees, I assume we havent met before", a six-foot-two-inches piece of steel introduced itself by extending an iron pipe.
"John Anderton, from Dunceshire" said John, shaking what everyone seems to call a hand.
"Iris Hineman, First Year, Computer Science, Home-coming Queen in Grace County High and our classmate", Lamar seemed to know her horoscope.
"Oh" was all that John could manage.
"Pretty, Ain't she ??", asked Lamar uninterestedly. John hadnt thought of any such girl as pretty, but If ever he had to call any girl pretty, he wouldnt think twice before choosing Iris. He couldn't give an answer, but his face was a remarkable index to his mind.

John stood out in college, although it was not in a way he would have liked to. His trousers were seen in retro shows and his hair-do was passe by then. But no matter what, there wasnt a single soul in sight to shake him off his dominance when it came to computers. It was like they spoke a language that no one else understood. If his sense of dressing was greeted with laughter, his capability in problem solving was met with awe. That meant that he had all the girls coming to talk to him ["Do not shake hands with girls, they maim fingers for kicks"] and asking him out for coffee ["Never drink coffee with a girl, she drugs you and takes your posessions after you faint","But mom, i dont have anything that someone could steal from....", "Shut up and listen John"]. But nothing seemed to happen from one corner which John was expecting with all his heart. Iris was unmoved. She used to thread her way through the crowd, and not even turn. Each day that happened, John tried even more desperately the next day, and each time that happened he had a feeling Iris left early that day.

"It is Iris, isnt it ??" asked Lamar, shaving his ragged beard into some strange heart like shape.
"Yes, but how did you know" said John in a mournful tone.
"Your attempts at impressing her are not yet on national television. Otherwise everyone else seems to know about it".
"Except her", an additional note in the already moaning voice.
"Hey, you have the right intentions, but you dont seem to have the right technique. Do you really want to impress her ??".
"Yes", John's voice had the same eagerness a young pup has after it has tasted its first biscuit.
"I will help you do that"
"Thank you .. Thank you..", John was now visibly shaking.
"But on one condition, you have to write all my assignments".
"Of course .. of course..".
"So we start our operation today"
"Eh ??"
"We codename it 'I2 - Impress Iris'".
"Oh".
John had never made a deal with someone who had a beard like that. It looked like someone squashed a toad on his chin. But for some reason Lamar insisted that it was in the shape of a heart, and John, with this deal on, didnt want to offend his messiah.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

SageSpeak - All Is Never Lost - I

It seemed to be another sunday afternoon at the pub. The Television was blasting some heavy music, Barley was busy mixing up his drinks and The Oldest Member had taken his favorite seat to watch the race that was due to start in the next hour. At the stroke of 1, in flocked the regulars. This was considered perfectly normal considering the following for motor-racing in that part of the town. The Oldest Member took a deep look at his familiar surroundings. He was a real old soul as anyone would have guessed when they look at him for the first time. As everyone from a lost generation, he wanted everything to be perfect, more so on a sunday afternoon. His thoughts ran thus: The Ivy League-rs (in their impeccable trousers) has ordered their vodka martini, perfectly normal. Their rivals, The Geeks (wearing their dusty tees which read "The Geek Shall Inherit The Earth") had ordered their bloody mary. perfectly normal too. After the race was over, The Oldest Member knew, these two gangs would be at each others throat no matter who wins and that the pub would look like carthage after a raid by hannibal, which was, by any measure, perfectly normal again. Arthur had a mug of beer in his hand and behind him .. Wait, Arthur had a mug of beer in __his__ hand. That was not normal. In fact it was probably everything that meant the opposite of normal and such things were a thorn in The Oldest Member's flesh.

He walked up slowly to Arthur's bar stool, positioned himself subtly in between Arthur and the screen in a hope to get his attention, and grunted his arrival as he sat in that bar stool which squealed even louder under his weight. Without looking up, Arthur said, "Do you know you stink??". The Oldest Member was taken aback, no one had the audacity to talk to him like that. After sniffing himself for a moment and making sure it wasnt that bad, he turned to the other side pretending not to notice this in-your-face candor. Arthur said, "I asked if you knew you stink". After some difficulty, The Oldest Member composed himself and thought this was taking a bit too far. Arthur wasnt giving up, "I know you cannot reply, because you are ashamed of yourself maybe.. ". This time The Oldest Member had had enough, he turned towards Arthur with his usual straight face and started off earnestly, "Arthur ..", when Arthur started, " .. but i had to drink you and that is my curse" and gave an empty look into the brimming beer mug.

The Oldest Member knew what was wrong. No, Talking to Beer Mugs was not wrong. He had seen people do more than just talk with beer mugs. But a Beer Mug in Arthur's hand was akin to an olive leaf in Idi Amin's head. If a young, eligible, college-going man was talking to beer mugs in such vaccouos tones, there could be but only one reason, a reason The Oldest Member could understand only too well.

"So, you think she doesnt like you, is that so ??" said The Oldest Member, looking at the television screen.
"Yes, but .. but how did __you__ know", said a bewildered Arthur.
The Oldest Member didnt want to reveal that it was written all over his face, he thought it took out the clairvoyant pretence he intended to put in.
"I know because i should know", said the suddenly-saint-looking Oldest Member.
Arthur couldnt understand what it meant, but thought it sounded pretty meaningful in some way that was beyond his intelligence and gave a look which was getting alarmingly emptier by the minute.
"Whatever i try, she is not impressed .. and guess what happened today, she didnt even want to talk to me. Its all over and i just drown in a mug of beer only that it stinks like dead cattle. How do you manage to do it day in and out ??" asked Arthur, keeping the mug away.
"If you had accustomised yourself with the intricacies of consuming quality beer, you wouldnt be crying over anything", retorted the Oldest Member.
Arthur wasnt sure what the Oldest Member meant. "Do you mean to say that drinking this yellowish looking frothy liquid which stinks from here to yonder, actually makes things work ??"
"Although i dont agree with most of what you have just said, but yes, i mean it", the Oldest Member sniffed victory now.
"But how ??", an exasperated Arthur cried.
"You surely havent heard the story of John Anderton or Thomas Anderson ??".
"Errm, do i have to listen to two stories ??"
"Maybe one, John Anderton's"

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Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

Old Question - New Blog

Yesterday was Sunday. Tomorrow is Tuesday. And courtesy Julius Caesar, we can say with infinite confidence that today is Monday. Yes, that is what it is. Monday. Nice, plain, simple. Monday. A day when you wake up with a feeling if it was the alarm that woke you up or was it someone with a shovel. How is this one different ??

- That six-foot tall mushy-looking teddy, holding a red heart shaped comforter in its hands with a lot of desperation on its face, sort of gave you the creeps and you could never imagine that you would actually buy it for someone. Soft dolls - Ruled out.

- The last time you had a Candlelit Dinner was when there was a powercut in your home. Romantic candlelit dinner - Ruled out.

- Chocolates give everyone bad tooth, regardless of which day you eat them. And no, even pepsodent doesnt save you. Toblerones and Nutties and Chocobars and Kitkat - Ruled out.

- Roses are red
violets are blue.
Do women really like them ??
You dont care, do you ??

Any trace of flowers - Ruled out.

- Carrying a card and standing near the phone booth waiting for the girl to cross you in slow motion looks good only in Karan Johar movies. In real life, you would be lucky to get away without a police complaint.
There, all those music-playing cards which wax and wane with love - Ruled out too.

Now now now, wait a second, Let us get this straight first. All this "I-am-what-i-am" kind of phony talk, Why do you do all this ?? Is it because you are genuinely someone who sort of thinks this whole mushy concept is way too overhyped, or is it because it freaks you to see school children carry cards and roses while you were carrying cricket bats at that age or is it because you realised the hopelessness of your case and the futility of your situation and resigned to some universally-accepted fact ?? Well, errmm, we are not here to discuss that, are we ??

This monday is no different. You still had to put up with some wayward driving from frustrated fellow-human beings. You would have to attend a few meetings and by the end of it, you would know how it would feel to be a zombie. You would have to fill up your weekly worksheets for the last week and plan the chaos for the oncoming one. In the evening, you got to pack your bags and make sure you dont take brigade road, lest you go into a tizz. You going to get your tasty curd rice with pudhina thogayal in the night, you going to watch "Spies" on the history channel and you going to hit the bed at just about the same time as last monday, and, as a matter of fact the last 100 mondays.

So, with all due respect to St. Valentine - Sir, Please Rest In Peace.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

Dho Dala

Usually, finely cut logs are used. But just because you are on top of the food chain, it doesnt mean you can put an axe on them when you feel like. Get a huge gas burner that they have in restaurant kitchens.

Take the biggest drum that you have at home, fill it with cauvery water to the brim. Usually, its okay to add a few bathing scents. But no, not today. Keep it simple, stupid.

Pick a bottle full of Gingelly Oil. No, you are not going to make murukku or cheedai (Thamizh Delicacies, Very very Tasty tasty). The golden the oil is, the better.

Pour the oil on your head and let it sink right inside your hair-roots. Take the smell of the oil in with a deep breath and rub it in your scalp. Rub it in your head until you wash it clean. When you have reached a point where you can see more smoke emanating from your head than from the gas burner, stop.

Lift the water drum with all that you have got, and just topple it right on top of your head. You lose breath, you dont give up. The water is hot, you dont give up. Your folks think you are crazy to do that with your shirt and jeans on, you dont give up.

Turn the clock to zero my lovable,
Look around and life is beautiful,
Am starting up a brand new day.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

A Few Open Letters

Dear Mr. Michael Schumacher,

I apologise to you for calling you a bad driver. How can there be a __bad__ driver to begin with ?? All drivers who do not intentionally/unintentionally kill other occupants of the road __have__ to be good drivers. By the way, I wanted to ask you a few questions about your experiences on learning to drive a car.

1. On the first day of your driving class, when you walked towards the car with the trainer sitting in, did you feel like someone threw in a lit-flare bundled with a gas cylinder into your stomach ??

2. When you sat in the car and looked at the road, did you feel like you were in a over-sized casket, with the belt present just to make sure you dont escape even if you have a change of mind ??

3. Did you feel elated when you applied the first gear and the car moved without stalling, since most of your friends stalled it countless times, and later embarassed to know the fact that the clutch you had was dummy and the instructor was the one who had the real clutch ??

4. Did you notice that, all of a sudden, everyone in the public was wearing a red tee-shirt with a huge telescopic viewfinder on it, and the words "Hit Me" written in a large font ??

5. Did you feel cursed when you had to include "Inability to keep the car going in a straight line" as one of your current personal problems ??

6. Did a bunch of school kids, who were waiting for the school bus, run helter-skelter for their dear lives when you made your first U-Turn ??

7. When you got out of the car after this exercise, did you end up with a pain in the back, neck and the shoulders and wondered if it were some sort of sadistic bonus for your job ??

8. On the way back home when you rode your bike, Did you suddenly feel an increased love for her ??

If the answer to all the above questions is "Yes", you are on the verge of getting someone to give you company at the top. Thanks.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...