Cricolitcs

At first, we saw Politics become like Cricket. MPs throwing things at each other, politicians worried only about their own selves, underhand deals, fight for captaincy and the likes. With our politicians becoming so adept at Cricket stuff, can our Cricket players be far off?

Here are some gems that would make the Greek transfer the Intellectual Property rights to Irony to us.


"The IPL is a domestic tournament and the standard is much lower than a world event where you are up against quality batsmen and bowlers. You don't expect to go to World Cup semi-finals if you play the way the team has played in the Caribbean. Yuvraj has to look at his game. If he doesn't perform for long periods, the selectors will not play him just on the basis of his reputation. Some of the players have got a lot of opportunities, but have not delivered. They have been around for quite a while and the entire country wants performances from them."

As a matter of comparison:
- teenage boys playing cricket in Madurai (one pad on the front foot and no gloves) would be laughed at if they dance around the crease half as much as Ganguly (two pads, two gloves, thigh guard, elbow guard, jewel guard, helmet and what looks like a kevlar suit) does at short pitched balls.

- the only other person who had more opportunities given than Ganguly: Shishupala.


"India's lack of adaptability has been a disappointment. What is baffling is that even though most batsmen showed a distinct sense of discomfort against the short ball during the World Twenty20 in England last year, they were picked again for an event on even bouncier pitches in the Caribbean. All other teams remember what happened last year and the tactics employed by them against the Indians prove this."

This gem about adaptability comes from Sunil Manohar Gavaskar, who greatly adapted from Test Cricket to ODIs with a swashbuckling 36* from 60 overs, and then, according to Wikipedia at least, conceded he couldn't, ermm, adjust to the pace of the game. Let the record also show that it took him 12 full years to really understand that it is possible to score 100 runs within 50 overs. No truer words have ever been said.


"It's hard to put a finger on the exact reason [for the defeat] but of all the tournaments MS Dhoni has led India in, this is the most disappointing. At times you can be stubborn and stick to your ideas but he might want to be a little more flexible in future. Only 73 runs were scored in the last 10 overs despite having nine wickets in hand. There is no explanation for that. Tactically Yusuf Pathan should have come up in the batting order. Selectors will have to look for Twenty20 players who can play in all kind of conditions."

This comes from the man who stubbornly stuck to his idea of "score 10 runs in the first 15 overs when the field is closed in. dont worry if it doesn't make any sense" while the Greatbatches and Bothams of the world were smashing up things right across the road and the Srikanths were doing it at the other end. If only the selectors had looked for players who could play in all kind of conditions in the late 80s and early 90s.


"Obviously if you stay up the whole night, it would affect you. Players should be responsible enough. The game is more important than the parties. Excuses like these cannot be given after you lose. For a player, cricket should come first and everything else is secondary."

Thank you, man who was suspended from international cricket for essentially selling out your team. We really needed a lecture on "cricket should come first" from you.

"I don't think that [attending IPL parties] is a reason. Who was forcing them to attend these parties? They could have said no. I don't think they should say all this. These are silly excuses. Fact is they had gone there to win the World Cup and they just weren't good enough."

Madan Lal's 16-page resume:

- Was kapil's partner when he scored 175*
- Bowled first ball ever bowled in a World cup
- 15 blank pages

Honestly, even Madan Lal's own cricket academy couldn't build his resume beyond one paragraph. But let's face it. Madan Lal's ICL had the star power of zee-tv mega-serial and bhojpuri actors while the IPL struts out the Shetty sisters, the Padukones and the Zintas. The difference in attending the two parties has to be as disparate as the speed gun readings of Madan Lal and Michael Holding.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

IPL Chairman for Nobel

If Einstein can get a Nobel for something we already know, how about our IPL Chairman for this year's Nobel?

Personal Integrity: In the mid-80s, arrested for carrying only 400gms of cocaine (as against the tonnes drug lords usually get charged with), charged with assault and kidnapping (but not anthrax based bio-terrorism) and pleaded guilty (brownie points for honesty) [Courtesy: Wikipedia]

Contribution to the game: Ensured that the current and future generations will have a very short attention span for times to come. Introduced highly cricket-relevant concepts like cheerleaders and a strategic timeout to a game already overflowing with advertisements. Re-vitalized the dreaded "5 days and sometimes no results ?? Test Cricket is a bore" maxim. Didn't contribute a dime to domestic cricket from the billions made from the IPL.

Innovation: Somehow being called Genius for stealing a concept originally formulated by the ECB and introducing it in India. Praised for managing the IPL and making millions when in actuality, making money out of Cricket in India is like saving money using Geico.

Camaraderie: Destroyed the lives and careers of fellow countrymen who played for the ICL for two reasons - the undisputed monopoly enjoyed by the BCCI and just plain spite.

Character: Dated supermodel. Got dumped. Ruined her chances at the IPL contest successfully. Worked hard to deny her an Indian visa. Got shafted by central minister. Attempting to shaft central minister.

And personally, for re-enforcing the fact that Twitter indeed is a garland. We all know what happens to garlands when it falls in the hands of a certain sub-species.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

NewsReel - The Ossification Outrage

Afraidhe Issues Ultimatum

Dashing opener/middle-order/tail-order/12thman/thug Sickhead Afraidhe launched a verbal assault on the Indian legal system and it's reliance on arcane methods like ossification for determining someone's real age.

Afraidhe, in a special interview with our correspondent Darkha Butt, expressed his dismay over such potentially unpredictable methods. "What if it was an undigested haddi from the mountain goat I had for breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks/drinks?", he asked. He also said he was puzzled over the the cost-effectiveness of such methods since there were other cheaper, reliable and 100% trustworthy methods. When asked to explain what they were, he scratched his nose and said "my word. my birth certificate" in that order.

Celebrating his 19th birthday along with his friends, family and a few bookies, Afraidhe expressed his happiness that the ICC does not resort to such unscientific methods. "It would be devastating for me and my friend Rasan Haza if such methods were chosen by the ICC", he said. Rasan Haza, who has been 16 years old since the start of the new millenium, nodded violently. "It really scares me to think that someone will test a mere bone in my body 10 years from now and say I am 29. That would totally ruin my 20th birthday party", afraidhe conculded.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

The Name Game

Rajasthan Royals

Jaipur, Ajmer, Jaisalmer, Bikaner, Jodhpur, Udaipur - yep, we get it, they have all the moral right in the world to name their team Royals. Secondly, they also stayed true to Team Naming Conventions 101 with their "double initials" (RR). Try saying San Antonio Spurs and Los Angeles Lakers. Now try saying Tampa Bay Devil Rays and Minnesota Timberwolves. See what I mean ?

Delhi Daredevils

Totally cliched alright, but then what else would you call a team that is represented by an actor who jumps buildings to flick a thumbs-up and led by a player who aspires to reach his double/triple-hundreds with a sixer ? Delhi doesn't score high on originality, but definitely gets it right with appropriateness.

Deccan Chargers

Well yes, they picked Laxman as their icon despite knowing clearly well that their matches are _not_ played in Sydney against Australia, but hey their name is catchy and slots in the name of their sponsors without being ugly-conspicuous. Mission accomplished.

Chennai Superkings

First, it is still Madras for many. It was and will always be. And when one hears the name "Chennai" being murdered in foreign tongues, it makes it all the more true. Second, the thamizh guy's English vocabulary is slightly larger than "Super", "Rascal" and "Mind It". Try harder next time.

Bangalore Royal Challengers

So tell me this. Isn't Mallya the liquor baron who owns the brand Kingfisher ? Isn't Shaw Wallace one of his fiercest competitors ? Incidentally, isn't Royal Challenge (RC for the initiated) one of their brands ? So, are you telling me that Mallya invested heavily in this team to give it the name of his competitor ? Yep, being in the midst of Kingfishers and Royal Challengers can do this to you. Proof: The Bangalore team which shows signs of serious inebriation.

Punjab Kings XI

This is exactly what happens when you stay awake all night for lavish launch parties buring hard earned money earned starring in such timeless classics like KANK, CCCC, JBJ and then select a team name with the hangover intact. It was like someone stood up groggily, picked out the LCM of all the names (2 Royals, 1 Knight, 1 King), suffixed a number to it and then continued with getting wasted. Heck, I would have been happy if a spinning mill from Tirupur had bought the team and called it Punjab Sudarmanis.


Mumbai Indians

This would have been a brilliant PR movie if all the other teams had imported players from Lesotho, the audience brought in from Suriname and the venues spread across Papua New Guinea. Unfortunately for Ambani, this looks more boneheaded than it should. At least he has something to show to his brother during the court visit.

Kolkatta Knight Riders

And the winner is, Kolkatta. For being bold and breaking the mold by dedicating their team name to the ethos of Brokeback Mountain. They also have the only other thing that makes the team name look better. Those team helmets. Ramarajan/ Govinda/ Jaggesh/ Junior NTR looks like Calvin Klein.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

And So It Ends

Catch a snail and watch it every inch of the way until it completes the New Jersey Marathon. Or drop a little lactic acid bacteria into a bowl of milk and watch it turn into curd. Or watch the 2007 Cricket World Cup. As for interest levels and thrill factors go, they are more or less the same - no disrespect to the snails and the yeast microbes.

With respect to sheer excruciating length of the show, the 2007 CWC has only one competition. Sindbad from 'Dina Thanthi' (The Daily Telegraph), a daily in South India where the hero tries to slay a monster in a three-pane comic strip (Pane 1 Sindbad stares at monster, Pane 2 monster returns stare, Pane 3 Sindbad wondering aloud whether to use a curse or his sword to overcome the monster which would have died by that time due to old age). However, by the time the first round of matches were over, Sindbad had waded through a slew of such monsters and was wanting more which doesn't say much about the format of the WC. Eventually, Malcolm Speed 'felt' that the tournament might have been 'slightly long'. Ladies and Gentlemen, please put your hands together for The Understatement of The New Millenium.



As for predictability, there are a few close competitors viz. "Kolangal", "Arasi" and "Lakshmi" - three flagship television mega serials where, in a move of pure genius at writing screenplay, the writers have ensured that no matter how many episodes you miss, you would still be able to pick up the story right from the point where you left. Oh, and if you want to point out some unexpected twists in the WC where Bangladesh and Ireland qualified for the Pauper League, they are exactly as soppy as their mega serial counter parts at best. Don't believe me ?? By a show of hands, tell us if you really thought Bangladesh or Ireland had any chance in the Pauper League ?? Anybody ?? Helloooo ??

So, after few months of lugging it around, we get to see a final. No, we finally get to see players grope around in the dark while the match referees and umpires are unsure of how to complete the match when it is written in big, bold letters in the rule book. And yes in a dramatic event of gigantic proportions, Australia won the WC. By a hair's width of 50+ runs (where the hair in question is Keratin from a Rhino's horn). After decimating the opponent earlier in the day. For the third time in a row. And they are unbeaten in the WC for God-knows-how-long. Wasabi icing on Ladies-finger cake.

Some food for thought : How about a WC format where Australia have to play beat _every_ single team to win the WC ?? How about giving Kichaans (the thamizh equivalent of Handicaps) to the other teams and their players ?? Maybe just arrive at different winning criteria for australians (score twice the runs in half as many overs by losing a quarter of the wickets the opponents lost, and if case all criteria are met, the whim of the opposing captain) ?? Play clandestine World Cups when the Australians aren't looking ?? Just plain abolish the sport of cricket and wait for the Australians to forget the game and then start all over again ??

It is evident Cricket needs an overhaul. No, not politician-turned-administrators and no-good-businessmen with a foot-in-the-mouth disease. Not ridiculously whimsical fans whose idea of fandom is (a) having the same hairstyle as their hero or (b) destroying their half built house. Not terminally-greedy managers who hiked the ticket rates beyond a limit that the empty seats easily outnumbered the occupied ones for the semi-final between the world's top ODI team and the current world champion. And definitely not intellectuals who banned people from carrying musical instruments inside cricket stadiums inside the West Indies because of the noise. What next ?? Stripping astronauts out of their space suits because they are heavy ??

Cricket administrators need to buy a new dictionary and look up the word "Relegation". They also need to understand the meaning of the phrase "Tiered Leagues". Have Eight teams in Tier 1 and call it International Cricket. Have Eight more teams in Tier 2 and call it League Cricket. Just to make sure home-bred FTBs (Flat Track Bullies) don't bloat their records, divide cricket records into International and League so that the "Highest Scorer in International Cricket" is not someone with a 600 not out against Scotland and a 12.52 average against Australia. Let teams play test matches and one-dayers against opponents only within their tier. After every year or two, re-visit the rankings and relegate the bottom two teams from Tier 1 to Tier 2. Promote the top two from Tier 2 up to Tier 1. Rinse. Repeat.

Then sit back and see how Pepsi/Coke/Sudarmani Underwear sponsor a team that plays 3-test series and triangular championships against Netherlands and Bermuda.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

Men In Magenta

The message from South Africa is loud and clear. If the Indian team doesn't pull up it's socks soon, Cricket is soon going the Hockey way. But do we even have the right team ?? Are we even looking at the future ?? This is an attempt to pick up an all-time Indian eleven that would beat anyone, anytime, anywhere and any day.

1. Sujith Somasundar
Undoubtedly, India's best opener. Sujith Somasundar played two matches for India against South Africa and Australia, but endeared himself to all of us by staying true to the Gully Cricket maxim : If you are facing a ferocious bowler, the best stroke is to get out of the way of the ball by moving few feet away from the leg stump and swish at the ball madly. If it meets, it goes for runs. If it doesn't, the stumps go for a ride. Either way, there is little or no damage to the limbs. Only, in Gully Cricket, we don't have gloves and pads which Sujith was undoubtedly provided with. To be fair to him, the bowler was Allan Donald and the only boundary he scored was a top edge of a bouncer which beat the slips and the 'keeper to the boundary.

2. Vikram Rathour
The Swashbuckling Somasundar has to be paired with Red-hot Rathour. Great batsmen mesmerize the bowler and the watching audience. Greater batsmen like Rathour, conversely, look constantly mesmerized. The only other individual I can think of, who is constantly 'mesmerized' and red in the eye is Vijayakanth. However, It probably is not worth mentioning that the critics call it 'The Sleep Look' and the locals call it 'The Doped Look'. Rathore managed to crack two half centuries in his one day career, but he did it at his own sleepy pace so much so that even the highlight tapes had to be fast forwarded. He returned back to domestic cricket and yawned his way to some more sleepy records.

3. Praveen Amre
If there is one set of people who are glad Amre isn't playing any more, it would be the ground staff handling the pitch microphones. Everytime Amre used to bat, it wasn't a competition between Bat and Ball, but one between Bat and Popping Crease. Amre used to hit it so hard that that had he played a longer innings in Sharjah, Petroleum would have been a natural by-product. Amre hit a career best 84 in a winning cause against SA in SA and also scored a century on debut in Durban. He had a promising career in domestic cricket, both in India and in RSA. But for most of his career, he became pretty occupied in his battle with the Popping Crease. Eventually, the Crease won.

4. Amay Khurasia
By a show of hands, tell me how many of you remember Amay Khurasia ever played for India. Yes, he did play ODIs for India, 12 of them to be exact. To his credit, he debuted with a 50, buf followed it up with a string of scores that could be comfortably represented by an earthling's fingers. Since the part of "String of single digit scores followed by a brilliant career" has already been taken by Marvan Atapattu, Khurasia returned to flog lesser privileged bowlers from Himachal Pradesh and Services on flat tracks.

5. Hrishikesh Kanitkar
Perhaps Kanitkar's singular moment as part of cricket history would have been the fact that he was at the crease when India won that historic match against Pakistan in fading light at Dhaka. One would be hard put to forget Ganguly's wonderful century and Robin Singh's match saving 80-odd in that match. But once you have done that, Hrishikesh would be a match winner. He followed it up with a 50 against Aus in India, but then, in his 30 remaining innings, hardly crossed 20. Understandably, even a Kalimark contract never came.

6. Atul Bedade
Tamil news papers have this habit of making a deal out of just about anything. Atul Bedade happened to be one. On a boring evening, sitting outside our favorite tea shop, we see Dinamalar proudly proclaiming Atul Bedade as the crown prince of Indian Cricket and how he leaves audience breathless with his massive sixes. That made a group of teenagers in Madurai sit and watch the few matches that he played. After a few swear words at the Dinamalar management and a lengthy string of below par performances where Bedade himself was the only object to cross the boundary rope regularly, the teenagers and Atul Bedade agreed for a mutual settlement. Bedade returned to the domestic scene and everyone lived happily ever after.

7. Reetinder Sodhi
Reetinder Sodhi, along with a lesser popular left hander by the name Yuvraj Singh, swept the India U-19 scene when we won the U-19 WC. India were running short of expert all rounders and I prodigiously predicted that everyone just had to wait and watch Sodhi become the next Kapil. Later, they reminded me that I also predicted that Ajit Agarkar would be the Man of The Series in the 1999 WC in England which India would oh-so-easily win. Bummer.

8. Parthiv Patel
It is public knowledge that Parthiv Patel hails from Gujarat. But the current conclusion is that he hails from Anand, which appears to offer an explanation to his butter fingers. Fast tracked into the Indian side before he could play a first class match, Patel still sports a better average on most of the folks mentioned above, but he was so enthralled being before the stumps that he apparently misplaced his priorities behind the stumps. Ask a certain Kumble.

9. Narendar Hirwani
It was Pongal (The Harvest Festival down south) time in Chennai. India were playing the (then) mighty West Indians who thrashed us in Delhi. The last test of the series unfolded in Madras and it was a riot. The WI batsman walked in, ran into Hirwani, scratched their heads and then walked back. 16 wickets for 130 odd runs and India squared the series. Hirwani then plundered the Kiwis when they played us in India. The selectors, in all their wisdom, sent him on a trip to WI, England and New Zealand aka "Graveyard of Indian Spinners Who Are Grown On a Diet of Doctored Dust Bowls". Game Over.

10. Paras Mhambrey
The 1996 series saw two of India's greats debut. S Ganguly and R Dravid. Somewhere in between was Paras Mhambrey's entry _and_ exit. Knowing that the rules for wides in Test Cricket were a bit lenient, Mhambrey took full advantage of it and bowled just about everywhere he could. After he had had his fill pitching the ball in every conceivable position, the selectors politely requested him to get back to Bombay. Thankfully for the cricketing fraternity, Paras obliged.

11. David Johnson
A sling shot action looks really good. Take for example Jeff Thompson. Only, Jeff slings it into the batsman. David thought otherwise. His stock delivery used to pitch miles away from the right hander and inexplicably swing towards the slip. This trick, unbeknownst to the casual cricket observer, completely confounded the batsman, the wicket keeper, the slip fielder and the umpire. Proof: A mad swing by the madder Slater and an acrobatic catch by Azharuddin for Johnson's freaky first test wicket. The video is now a hot favorite for the "How not to bowl" and "How not to bat" classes in cricket academies.

Worthy Mentions
Sadagopan "I look good on TV hosting comedy shows" Ramesh
Debasis "Am I a fast bowler bowling spin or a spin bowler bowling fast" Mohanty
Deep Das "Geographical proximity to the captain and the board president helps" Gupta
Harvinder "Inventor of the hybrid Short-Yorker which pitches like a short-pitched delivery and rises like a yorker" Singh
Dodda "Bowling swalpa chikka(l)" Ganesh

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

I Love It - I Love It Not

Some great performances by bowlers after having to watch them get massacred all around the world. Ntini gets a five-for last night. A total of 250 runs scored for around 16 wickets in 80 overs few days back. Does anyone remember the joke that was 860 runs in less than 100 overs ?? Forget the dustbowls and enjoy watching batsman shiver when Bond and Ntini run upto the crease. Just implement the two-bouncers rule and get the C back in Cricket. Good. Finger-licking Good.

The splurge of One Day cricket being played. Hail to everyone who calls it Pyjama Cricket. With Innerwear Cricket (20/20 for the uninitiated) just around the corner, soon everyone is going to forget how to fend a rising delivery. Bad. Mind-numbingly bad.

Surprises, and a good number of them. Perennial dark horses New Zealand showing their team is far greater than the sum of it's individuals. An old and considered-dead dynasty called West Indies cricket resuscitating itself back to life. Renowned chokers SA preparing for a slug fest against Aus to rekindle some old rivalries. Good. Fist pumping good.

Which smart aleck thought of this format ?? A six-match parade of mediocre cricket capped off with the biggest of them all, Zimbabwe Vs Bangladesh. [ For Football fans: Andorra vs Liechenstein For NFL fans: Texans vs Raiders ] Who makes these decisions anyway ?? Bad. Are-you-out-of-your-minds Bad.

No dead rubbers towards the end of the round robin stages with most matches being a virtual Quarter-Final or atleast with playoff (if I could use that word ;-)) implications. Good. Thank-goodness-for-that Good.

The World cup is six months away. The World cup. The biggest prize in ODIs. Just six months away. What business on earth is a tournament called the mini world cup doing this point of the year ?? Ah, the bottomless coffers of the cricket boards. Bad. Greedy-dirty-swines Bad.

At the ristk of speaking too soon, the Australian cricket team biting dust. Good. Heart warmingly good.

The blue billion ads with Shah Rukh Khan and Sourav Ganguly. Bad. Singularly Bad.

Probably the strongest wake up call to the Indian team before the World Cup. The boot is polished and shined to kick out complacent batsmen like Virender "Footwork is for Michael Jackson" Sehwag, Suresh "I field like nuts and I bat for peanuts" Raina, Mohammad "Heck, First I need a place to bat" Kaif, Irfan "Am I a batsman or a bowler or both or neither" Pathan and Yuvraj "I like to relax for 15 matches after a century" Singh. Good. Billion times Good.

Extraaaaa Innings. How does it feel to be a Yorkshireman or a Southern Australian and listen to a sitting Member of Pariliament who is hell bent on inventing ridiculous idioms in your mother tongue at the drop of a turban ("You have to break an egg to make an omlette. You have to break out of your shell to score runs")and intellectually stimulating questions like "If India play well, they would win. Wouldn't they ??" from an afternoon soap opera queen wearing strapless tops ?? Bad. Barfing Bad.

Empty stadiums. The average Indian cricket sports fan is known for his globalalised knowledge in cricket. S/he never used to care who played whom as long as it was a worthwhile matchup. May his/her soul rest in peace. If India fails to make it to the Semis, the coffer-totting cricket boards and the the sponsors can buy a khadi-kraft towel and cover their heads. Bad, for the disappearing love of sports and Good, for the sucker-punch to the greedy cricket boards.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...