NewsReel - The Chicken Conundrum

News Reel - Where All News Is Essentially Reel

Leg Piece Thrown At Mayan
A sick hen, kokkarakko ko, flung a piece of chilli chicken at Mr. Mayan, VP of Virumandi Vilas in protest against the organization's decision not to upgrade the name of chicken 65 to chicken 2009 in tune with modern times.

Mr. Ko threw the piece of chilli chicken during a press conference at the Virumandi Vilas headquarters in Vadipatti when the VP refused to be drawn into a discussion about the change in historic nomenclature. The chicken piece was about to miss Mr. Mayan by a fair margin when he somersaulted in the air and caught it in his mouth to some wild cheering from his organizational comrades.

Mr. Ko was immediately whisked by Hotel security who were reported to be carrying nice round clubs which were topped with nails. Passers-by observed some muffled screaming from the kitchens of Virumandi Vilas and hotel patrons complained of mute whines later in the evening.

Momentarily taken back by Mr. Ko's action, Mr. Mayan insisted on going ahead with the press conference. When asked for his reaction, Mr. Mayan said : "the piece was tasty".

Later, talking exclusive to NewsReel's own firebrand reporter Oorga Butt, Mr. Ko regretted his form of protest. "I usually eat any leg piece that am given and am sad I had to hurl it at Mr. Mayan. The leg piece might be gone, but the issue still remains"

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

Onne Onnu, Kanne Kannu (The Only One)

Most of the earliest questions have been answered convincingly - "Is your country filled with cows ??", "Are the streets full of snake charmers ??" and the likes. Thanks to Aishwarya Rai, the IT boom, Anthony Bourdain, National Geographic and YouTube its pretty clear nowadays that we are a country with gorgeous women, nerdy geeks, tasty food, beautiful places and beastly traffic.



Couple of the new age questions, like "Is there a caste system in your country where people have to do the same job that their father did??" or "Is Bollywood _the_ movie industry of the country??" can be handled if we sit down for a discussion. No, unless you are a politician and No, unless expensive and gaudy costumes (with a few notable exceptions) are the primary benchmark for an industry.

There are other questions that are way too easy to answer "Is it true that most politicians in your country are scummy ??" or "Do actors and sports stars stand a better chance to become administrators over someone who might be actually qualified and with a track record in doing that ??". An answer like "its the same darned story everywhere" with a sad face elicits a big empathic sigh and the topic is done.

However, there has always been one question that I had never ever been able to get around answering. "For a country of billion people, for all the talk about being the next superpower, for all the pride about being a part of the oldest civilization, for all the general bravado shown all around, why haven't you guys won a single individual Olympic Gold ??".

Not anymore. Never again. Abhinav Bindra, thanks for breaking the jinx (or our usual mediocrity at the Olympics) by doing something that no Indian had ever done before. Is this going to change the way Pepsi & Coke pump money into Cricket as if there is no other sport in India? Is this going to stop Suresh Kalmadi from pretending as if he himself won an Olympic Gold? Is this going to be a step in building the non-existential infrastructure for the other sports? Is this going to bring about a change in the "recommendation" culture in our sports quotas? Is this going to enable colleges to form an NCAA like organization to foster sports? Who are we kidding? But still, there is at least one less question that we don't have to take anymore and that's good news.

Oh, by the way, smart aleck questions like "So, for all these years, you just have a single gold medal to show and you actually write a blog to brag about it??" would be redirected to /dev/null.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

Pulling The Plug

On the 16th of April, 2007, brave students closed down the doors and held them with objects and their bodies as shields to protect their classmates. There were long lines queue outside the nearest blood banks in Blacksburg minutes after the news of the bloodbath had broken out. Prayers were held all around the world in memory of the people they don't even know. Internet forums were filled with consolations for families that lost loved ones. The man who delivers newspapers for the assassin's house swells up in tears thinking about the fate of the parents. You seem to understand why it rains during summer.



Immediately thereafter, the first auction opened up on ebay to sell URLs. The names are essentially a mix of the University's name and one of carnage/gore/bloodbath/massacre. They are touted as "unmatchable domain names for selling memorabilia". Other assorted websites are starting to host pictures of the massacre for sale. Certain section are already fearing racial prejudice so much so that their respective embassies issue a statement in that regard. Just about anyone who has a white coat and a fancy leather chair (a total number of, say, Z) is invited to offer psychological insights into the heads of would-be assassins on every single TV show (a total of 2xZ).

In The Near Future Everyone who is silent or keeps to himself is either going to end up in a strait jacket or in solitary confinement. A bored housewife would write her memoirs titled "How I Survived A Mass Murderer In The Neighborhood" with the words "Note: Author lives in Nevada. But has traveled within 25 square miles of Blacksburg in 2007" appearing in small print. It would also include 101 breakfast recipes in the last 101 pages of the 103-page book, but will not affect it's sale adversely. Hollywood will buy out the rights to film the story. They would make a token donation to the University and would offer to invite the bereaved for the premiere, provided they sign an 'No Interviews' agreement. They would also be given a 5 minute feature on the Special Edition DVD as a token of their gesture. All would be forgotten until someone else abuses his/her gun and dedicates it to Eric, Dylan and Cho.



Somewhere in outer space, The Omnipotent Few Who Are Watching Us From High Above are clearly frustrated at their experiment and moved another inch closer to pulling that plug from under Project Earth.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...