Never Cross A Woman

Present Day


Rosemary, dressed in her best party attire, read the note for the tenth time . The note that Hummus had written last night before he ran away. It was to the point, "I am leaving to find my life", so typical of Hummus - Idealistic. She wasnt unduly worried about Hummus running away - "no one should be overtly worried about runaway puppies, they would always come back", she thought haughtily. Her worry was entirely different.

Late last night

Hummus entered the house not looking very different from a zombie.
"Hummus, is that you ??" came a voice from inside the room. Hummus, who had tried to tiptoe his way to the terrace where he would have slept through the night, stopped dead in his tracks. Drat.
"Yes honey".
"Did you get the diamond tiara ?? I have promised all my friends that I would make an appearance with that on my birthday. I cannot bear to lose face", came her commanding voice, still from inside.
"Ah, honey .. there were, ermmm, some complications".
"What ??", out came rosemary - her face smeared with a white substance all over, save her eyes, which either prevented wrinkles or ageing or preserve her tan.
"I reneged on the deal", said Hummus.
"Hummus, you were on a job ordered by the King himself. What do you mean you reneged??"
Hummus burst with anger. "I couldnt do it, Rosemary. I cannot split up a couple who are going through an ordinary misunderstanding just because the king has a liking to the girl and wants to marry her after she is divorced. No matter how much he pays for that. I was a priest before this, remember ?? I preach love, not hate. And I wouldnt have taken this hate-job if not for paying your bills".
"Hummus, you are a divorce attorney. Splitting married couples is your job. If people dont fight and split, you dont get food. Most importantly, I cant pay my beautician. Just go out there, encourage them that a divorce is the best way out, get the pay-off from the king and get me my tiara. My birthday is midnight tomorrow".
"Ah, err. Honey, I cant do that anymore. I just gave them the whole of the initial pay-off I got from the king and sent them to Gaul where they can live safely".
"I dont believe this .. This means that ..."
"Yes, this means that I betrayed the king and he will have my head when he knows that it was I who sent them out. But you dont worry about...."
Rosemary cut him in half sentence."..that I dont get my tiara for the birthday..." and then she broke out crying over that incalculable loss leaving a flustered Hummus to imagine how he couldnt get the guts to put his profession into use with this woman.

Present Day
Rosemary tossed the note away carelessly. "Damn you Hummus. You have made me lose face. I will make you pay. I will make everyone pay." Rosemary had made her plan.

By late evening her friends congregated in the grand ball room which had been constructed entirely out of Hummus's retirment fund. Rosemary appeared from the top of the stairs with a grief stricken face - but carefully made up so that those tears dont take away the new glossy cream she had bought the other day.
"Friends, I have an announcement to make. The King has abducted my husband, and as we talk here, his life would have been ended by the executioner".
A collective gasp filled the room. Cries of "Oh poor baby", "Oh Rosemary", "Dear Lord" emanated from her friends who rushed to hold her - not without being too careful that their expensive coiffures remain undisturbed. "Perfect. Their sympathy is mine. Now for Plan B", Rosemary thought. She continued in her voice that rang more of disappointment than sorrow, but only for a keen observer. "I just have one request to make on behalf of my husband. All of you know how much he loved me. You all know how much he cared about me and how much I meant to him". The hen-pecked spouses nodded their heads in unison, although they knew the real story. After all, it was the same everywhere. Rosemary continued, "Hummus was a happy and content man. But before he was dragged from this very hall by the King's Guards, he had just one desire unfulfilled. That he couldnt buy me my tiara. He swore he would come back and get it for me, but it is now too late". The men-folk in the room kept their somber faces. "As Hummus's friends, I have one thing to ask out of you. I ask this in the name of Hummus and in the name of the love that he had for me. ".
"Tell us what you need to Rosemary, we would do it for our Hummus", offered Asparagus - the harried husband of Shannon.
"Just perfect", thought Rosemary. "As a mark of respect to Hummus and his true love for me, I propose that each and every man in this great hall gift his wife with the costliest tiara that he could ever find. That would be a token for our friendship to Hummus", she said.
Asparagus felt like he just walked inside a bear cave soaked in mountain honey.
"But ... but ... we just bought our wives expensive gifts for thanks giving", groaned Asparagus.
"...and for christmas and new years...", said Tinnitus.
"..you forgot their birthdays..", said Discus.
"Its not even 2 months since New Year's and we need to buy them new gifts??", asked Asparagus, glancing carefully towards his wife.
Rosemary couldn't belive her luck. They had fallen for it hook, line and sink - just as she predicted. She launched into the final part of her scheme. "Two months since new year's ?? Is this what all this means to you Asparagus ?? A random gift to your wife and nothing more ?? Is the cost of a tiara so insurmountable that you have started cooking up ridiculous excuses ?? Its about setting out a day off for your wife and showing her how much she means to you. Its not about the gift or its cost Hummus, its about love and how much you care for your wife - who loves you regardless of if you give her a gift or not".

Asparagus thought about it for a second. Even if it was a celebration of his love for his wife, why does it have to be on rosemary's birthday ??
Tinnitus considered the fact that his wife's love over platinum far exceeded her love for him and despite all that, he loved his wife daily, and most importantly he didnt need a day to declare that.
Discus wondered that if the cost of the gift didnt matter, maybe he should get her a nice robe and leave it at that instead of burning his fingers over a tiara.
All three of them took a good look at their respective wives, who were listening to every word that Rosemary was saying with rapt attention, and weighed the future of their marriage if they chose to ask these questions aloud. They looked at each other, and they knew the answer. Non-existent. In anycase, what harm could it do ?? This is just a fill-in arrangement for this year. To appease all the womenfolk. By this time next year, they would have forgotten everything about Hummus and Rosemary. In unison, they broke into a bright smile and said "Of course, anything for our sweet-hearts. After all, its just for this year. Isn't it ??".

"Just this one year", Rosemary said aloud. "You wish", she thought inside. "Hummus, I would make you pay. I would make everyone of your kind pay. Men would live to regret this day. Revenge will be mine.".

An year later, In Gaul

Spaghetti Readymix liked Gaul, the people were friendly, the sun was bright, the breeze was pleasant and the romans were on the otherside of the border for good. However, he was surprised with a peculiar festival that seemed to have gained wide popularity in Gaul over the last year. A day was chosen for men to profess their love for their women. Funny, he thought, when there were 364 other days open to do precisely the same. But the single most important reason the women were happy was the gifts, which was the same reason why the men looked crestfallen and broke. Travellers from far away say all this originated in Rome when the widow of a priest's wife declared the day of her husband's death as a closed celebration among her friends and it had seemingly spread across the world. "Unsurprising", thought Readymix, "considering the penchant of women to display their gifts to their friends". Even if he could accept the concept of setting aside a day for love, Readymix could never bring himself to understand the frenzy of business that centred around the day. Illusions'n'trix offered discounts on their jewels, Mushy-mushy-Greetinx offered a rebate on their merchandise and if that wasnt enough, even Stonehenge Menhirs Inc. gave special discounts for people buying special heart-shaped menhirs - as to how it would symbolise love is anybody's guess. Spaghetti Readymix sighed in resignation. He was a happy fisherman. Happier than he ever was when he was a priest/divorce attorney in Rome sporting a different name. But even he couldnt avoid breaking into a sweat when he saw all those posters about Valentine's Day and how his fellow men cursed the name for bringing this day on their fate. One cannot blame Readymix, after all, he was known as Hummus Valentinus until an year back.