No Point Everyone

Yep, our price has fallen badly. Yep, 1/3 of the earth is land and 1/2 of that land if full of software enginners, so much so that you feel like living in 1984 where everyone is as unique as everyone else. But if you look below the surface, there are still perks at being a software engineer.

One of our greatest powers is the the power to spread misinformation. Sivya Dingh needs an heart transplant ?? A mail that needs to be sent to 10 people within 10 minutes to avoid 10 years of bad luck ?? Microsoft giving 10cents for every recipient of this mail that would buy a cotton candy for a poor child in somalia (of course, with a malnourished somalian kid's picture attached to it) ?? Some poor man suffering from an itchy syndrome which can be cured only if this mail reaches a million recipients ?? Fear not, the software engineer, with his evergrowing address book filled by friends, friends-of-friends, friends-of-friends-of-friends and god-knows-who-they-are is your savior. One mail and it spawns off another 10, each in turn spawning off another 10. You do the math.

Being a software engineer gives you an incredible opportunity to play know-it-all. Imagine a crowd with lot of young women you would kill to impress. Imagine a few suave gentlemen in their best evening dress sweet-talking their way through the crowd with their overpowering knowledge of Literature and Music. Imagine you staring at the stars waiting for your fairy to come down from there. Sucks, doesnt it ?? Fear not all that is required is to spot another bewildered software engineer. With a few knowing glances, a quick message of subterfuge is delivered and they close in on the kill. What follows would be a session of "use your favorite keywords" that would leave everyone else in the crowd gasping for breath, seeing the sheer intelligence of the parties involved. While instantiating a container instance in a .net framework, does one have to continually debug the kernel threads, so that throughput is optimised and turnaround time is minimised or should one ignite a daemon process to monitor the hardware diagnostics from panic-ing ?? The crowd shudders at the depth of knowledge. The gods throw up looking at the quantity of horsesh*t.

Being a software engineer also saves you from having to invest money in a new wardrobe. These days, there are a few that companies double up for Gap/Levis/Duckback/Chudarmani/Viking.
Listed in DASNAQ ?? Release a t-shirt.
Selected as #1 in an unheard-of survey run by a magazine where the company has a controlling interest. Release another t-shirt.
Need a message to boost the morale of people in the team, no, we have had enough t-shirts already, make it a jacket.
We have become an ISE-MMC level 6 company, was it a jacket last time ?? Make it a sweatshirt this time.
Thankfully, they all remain at the periphery of the human physiology and are usually designed with such incorrigible colors, unsuitable sizes and gratuitous messages, you can safely shove them in your trunk without feeling guilty.

Have an awesome restaurant in mind, but your purse looks ultra-thin ?? You need to wait only until the next invitee comes from offshore. The software engineering industry proves that There Is Indeed Something As Free Lunch, giving us our only chance to visit the oberois and TGIFs. To show them a taste of India is what we say, to check out that new restaurant which had glowing reviews is what we actually mean. As the visiting chap sheds tears, partly over the spice and partly at their fate, we gorge on the choiciest items from the menu - in descending order of price.

Last but not least, It gives us the golden opportunity to play arm-chair critic. Sitting in the comfort of an a/c cubicle, with an ergonomically designed chair, and unlimited internet access - the next best thing is to pass judgement on all and sundry. Our favorite pastimes being "Politics is a gutter" (but we dont vote - we take time out to enjoy the holiday after weeks and weeks of monitor-gazing), "India will never improve" (ah, the exchange rate - how i love thee), "Education of children is a priority no one seems to understand" (CRY ?? what is that ?? Isnt it the art of shedding tears ??), "I hate people publicly displaying affection" (and that is strictly applicable only until i find a girl). The keyboard warrior needs no reason to fight, he only needs, by definition, a keyboard. So much for freedom of expression.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

The Way We Do It

A san-franciscan likes to surf, he has the amazing pacific knocking at his door. A new-yorker likes to party, what place better than the big apple and its clubs. A madras-ite loves to eat - sundal, dosa, pizza - anything that could have possibly been on a menu works fine. A coimbatorean, well, actually they dont do much - what can you expect from a town which has a few houses on either side of a national highway ?? The same can be said of a madurai-ite, but by those who know only about the madurai meenakshi temple. But beware, the madurai-ite has some hobbies up his sleeve. We, ladies & getlemen, love watching movies.

"Eh, we also watch movies. What is the big deal", you ask. I presume you are from coimbatore or madras. Always on tenterhooks. Yes, everyone watches movies. On the fourth week after its release. After booking the tickets through the internet, taking the best seats in the theatre. Watching the movie in pin-drop silence. Getting old. Yawn. What is the big difference between this and knitting a sweater ?? In madurai, we choose a firebrandish style of watching movies. Watch a movie on day #1 or go get a life. That was our Code.

We havent heard about reservations in madurai outside the railway station. Seriously. Reservation is a symbol of the snobbish bourgeoise who prefer to sit at home sipping their lemonade and turn up at the theatre 10 minutes before the bell, while the hardworking proletarian sweats outside the ticket counter to be slammed with the "house full" board in his face just when he puts his hand inside the counter. All this because he doesnt have a computer with broadband. Bah.

The first thing one needs to change is the mindset. You are going to a movie, not a date. So cut that designer shoes and branded shirt. People come there to watch Ramya Krishnan/ Khushboo or Amala or if its a telugu dubbing movie, all three together. (There, you now know am a fossil without having to resort to carbon dating). An old jeans, hawaii slippers and a wrinkled tshirt are a man's best friend. Remember to look absolutely local, but dont cross the thin line between "downright badly dressed" and "i am a black marketeer".

Once you hit the ticket counter, remember all those wildlife videos you saw on NGC and Discovery and how survival of the fittest is indeed a globally valid and fruitful idea. Remembering those WWE videos and some sumo wrestling videos would also help. If you are claustrophobic, dont remember it. It might just save your life. Remember the power of gravity, people who are climbing in the roof __will__ fall. Remember the power of murply, when they fall, they will fall on __you__. In tune with the proletarian way of life, the theatres in madurai send out a message of brotherhood. There are __no__ classes of tickets. All tickets cost the same and people get to sit __anywhere__ in the theatre (of course, with the obvious exception of the projector room - see, i know you are from either madras or coimbatore. very cocky). Compare this to the following rant by a filthy-rich man with an extended family, who comes late and interrputs you with this, exactly at the time when the villain makes a challenge to the hero and our star delivers his punch dialogue: "Hullo, C-17 to C-29 nambil ki ticketu. Jaga jaldi kalli panleinna nambal theatrekarana koopidraan". ("seat xx to seat yy are ours. vacate, or we will call the theatre folks" in a certain accent only too familiar to people back at home). Marx and Engels - Your dream lives on and it lives in Madurai.

After all the hardwork, I enter the theatre and now, I have multiple choices to pick up a fight. I can step on someone's foot repeatedly, I can bully someone into conceding a chair so that my entire gang can sit together end-to-end, I can throw my legs on the chair in front and expect him to understand, continue the fight I started in the parking lot or can settle scores with the cricket captain of the team that beat us last week. To add to this already-simmering cauldron, the theatrewallahs switch off the air-conditioner (assuming it was there to begin with) which makes me loosen two of my shirt buttons and pull the collar behind, thereby looking like my parents' worst nightmare in flesh and blood.

When the movie starts, the theatre erupts. For just about anything. Did some star appear on stage ?? No, it is just a title card with some arbitrary name of some unheard-of supporting actor. But who cares ?? Erupt again. Make him feel good if he is in the theater. At this point, all I can hear is the deafening noise of whistles and all I can see is the dark silhoutte of rectangularly cut lottery tickets in the screen. Someone just set afire a cube of camphor on his palms and is running to the screen. One can see two cans of milk ready to be disposed. The audience is so possessed that even Father Merrin would think twice before stepping in.

You sneer at the uncivilised lot. You think an endurance race could be easier. You are suprised at the obvious lack or order. You think movie watching is an art only enjoyed by the elite. "Eek, is this a movie show or some sort of tribal ritualistic dance" you ask. I would love to give you a well thought out answer. But you see, the camphor is already up in the screen and the cans of milk are emtpied coz just now my thalaivar (leader) made his appearance singing "Naan autokaaran autokaaran" (I am an autodriver) and i really need to get going for my group-tappanguthu (another symbol of universal brotherhood where the dancers and dancer-nots synch in perfect harmony - also a tribal ritualistic dance too, you are indeed prophetic - you should be from either madras or coimbatore). Go on, watch a movie making sure your crease doesnt get wrinkled and you dont break into a sweat. Good luck with that and So long.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

Walk in the Park

Skydiving - Cant fly - Check.
Whitewater rafting - Cant swim - Check.
Mountain climbing - Vertigo - Check.
Offroad biking - Too clumsy - Check.
Camping - Can sit still and do nothing. Aha.

Exactly my point of thought when we decided to camp for a night in the yellowstone canyon area. Off we go, with a stove, some readymade chapathis and a sweat shirt. After all, what more do we need to camp than some like-minded friends and a pack of cards ?? You think a 14-hour drive one way would scare me ?? or maybe the subzero temperatures of the night ?? Not a chance.

But I have to confess nothing prepared me for the title of the book which I unfortunately picked from the village store. "Death in Yellowstone" by Lee Whittlesey. Mind you, not plain deaths, but death by accidents and, most notably, foolhardiness. Accidents happen, they are designed that way. Foolhardiness happens, I am designed that way. A peek into the book reveals the numerous deaths of campers caused by grizzly bears. And as a final touch, recommends some further reading about how else you can get killed - overexposure to cold grounds, accidentally stepping into sulphuric acid and being bitten by wolves. If i was mogambo or van helsing, i might have enjoyed the last two.

The lady at the campgrounds was very helpful in giving us directions, hints and tips about how to handle the night. She could've left it at that. But she had to give us a map which showed where we were camping. Our camping spot was the last spot in our strip, with the whole of the jungle to our left and macabre-named highway, called the beartooth highway, running right next to it.

Setting up the campsites looked easy when we saw the others prop up theirs. It looked very easy when we read the brief instructions on the camping gear. It didnt look easy when we set our tent up and it looked like an egg. Lesson #1: Insist that atleast one geometry expert accompanies the camping party to ensure that a tent looks like a tent.

After nailing down three of the four nails deep into the ground, so deep that at one point of time we thought we might have to leave the tent behind, we find that the fourth nail cant go in since the fourth corner is a rock. Lesson #2. Check all four points before you start showing your physical prowess with the nails. Lesson #2.a. No matter what, dont drive the nails too deep. You might end up discovering petrol if you go any deeper.

The other three look around for someone to pull out the tent, and presto, there is only one around who is doing nothing else than giving directions. And off I go to tug the nail off and b-a-m, the nail doesnt move an inch, but i tear up the tent. Lesson #3 Dont let half-brained oafs near sensitive material like that.

As the sun set, everyone around us brought out the heavy duty stuff like caps and gloves. We laughed at their precautions. Later, the campfire died. The others got even. Lesson #4: A freezing temperature means __a freezing temperature__. That is why they call it __a__ __freezing__ __temperature__.

As my teeth start sending out telegrams to all and sundry, i see one from our own camp draw out his woollen gloves and another take out his monkey cap. The cozy smile they gave still looms large. Never in my life, i thought i would miss my monkey cap which i got back in school, to help me handle the cold in India as i go to my early morning tuitions. I remember throwing it away because it wasnt helping my looks. Now, relax, that was the time when i didnt know that nothing can help my looks, but anyways, thats beside the point. Lesson #5. Robinhood was right. You got to steal from the rich and give it to the poor.

As the temperature dropped like a startup's stock, the chattering teeth became even more erratic. But no, i didnt come here to chicken out. Bears, Cold, Cozily clad friends, Freezing feet, Chattering teeth, Numb hands, Rugged grounds - All they can do is watch because when I decide to do something, I do it. By staying out in the cold and sleeping in the ground, am sending out a message to all of those who are fighting to stay in the game. If I can do it, so can you. Nothing is impossible, it is only a state of mind. A fall in the temperature and a sharp stone in the ground are just too tiny to shake my resolve. I came here to camp, and camp I will. I came here to battle the elements, and battle I will.

Then it got colder and I slept inside the car for the rest of the night. Anticlimax, yes. But this blog is no hot & sour soup for the soul.

Camping - Unfit - Check.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...