The Way We Do It

A san-franciscan likes to surf, he has the amazing pacific knocking at his door. A new-yorker likes to party, what place better than the big apple and its clubs. A madras-ite loves to eat - sundal, dosa, pizza - anything that could have possibly been on a menu works fine. A coimbatorean, well, actually they dont do much - what can you expect from a town which has a few houses on either side of a national highway ?? The same can be said of a madurai-ite, but by those who know only about the madurai meenakshi temple. But beware, the madurai-ite has some hobbies up his sleeve. We, ladies & getlemen, love watching movies.

"Eh, we also watch movies. What is the big deal", you ask. I presume you are from coimbatore or madras. Always on tenterhooks. Yes, everyone watches movies. On the fourth week after its release. After booking the tickets through the internet, taking the best seats in the theatre. Watching the movie in pin-drop silence. Getting old. Yawn. What is the big difference between this and knitting a sweater ?? In madurai, we choose a firebrandish style of watching movies. Watch a movie on day #1 or go get a life. That was our Code.

We havent heard about reservations in madurai outside the railway station. Seriously. Reservation is a symbol of the snobbish bourgeoise who prefer to sit at home sipping their lemonade and turn up at the theatre 10 minutes before the bell, while the hardworking proletarian sweats outside the ticket counter to be slammed with the "house full" board in his face just when he puts his hand inside the counter. All this because he doesnt have a computer with broadband. Bah.

The first thing one needs to change is the mindset. You are going to a movie, not a date. So cut that designer shoes and branded shirt. People come there to watch Ramya Krishnan/ Khushboo or Amala or if its a telugu dubbing movie, all three together. (There, you now know am a fossil without having to resort to carbon dating). An old jeans, hawaii slippers and a wrinkled tshirt are a man's best friend. Remember to look absolutely local, but dont cross the thin line between "downright badly dressed" and "i am a black marketeer".

Once you hit the ticket counter, remember all those wildlife videos you saw on NGC and Discovery and how survival of the fittest is indeed a globally valid and fruitful idea. Remembering those WWE videos and some sumo wrestling videos would also help. If you are claustrophobic, dont remember it. It might just save your life. Remember the power of gravity, people who are climbing in the roof __will__ fall. Remember the power of murply, when they fall, they will fall on __you__. In tune with the proletarian way of life, the theatres in madurai send out a message of brotherhood. There are __no__ classes of tickets. All tickets cost the same and people get to sit __anywhere__ in the theatre (of course, with the obvious exception of the projector room - see, i know you are from either madras or coimbatore. very cocky). Compare this to the following rant by a filthy-rich man with an extended family, who comes late and interrputs you with this, exactly at the time when the villain makes a challenge to the hero and our star delivers his punch dialogue: "Hullo, C-17 to C-29 nambil ki ticketu. Jaga jaldi kalli panleinna nambal theatrekarana koopidraan". ("seat xx to seat yy are ours. vacate, or we will call the theatre folks" in a certain accent only too familiar to people back at home). Marx and Engels - Your dream lives on and it lives in Madurai.

After all the hardwork, I enter the theatre and now, I have multiple choices to pick up a fight. I can step on someone's foot repeatedly, I can bully someone into conceding a chair so that my entire gang can sit together end-to-end, I can throw my legs on the chair in front and expect him to understand, continue the fight I started in the parking lot or can settle scores with the cricket captain of the team that beat us last week. To add to this already-simmering cauldron, the theatrewallahs switch off the air-conditioner (assuming it was there to begin with) which makes me loosen two of my shirt buttons and pull the collar behind, thereby looking like my parents' worst nightmare in flesh and blood.

When the movie starts, the theatre erupts. For just about anything. Did some star appear on stage ?? No, it is just a title card with some arbitrary name of some unheard-of supporting actor. But who cares ?? Erupt again. Make him feel good if he is in the theater. At this point, all I can hear is the deafening noise of whistles and all I can see is the dark silhoutte of rectangularly cut lottery tickets in the screen. Someone just set afire a cube of camphor on his palms and is running to the screen. One can see two cans of milk ready to be disposed. The audience is so possessed that even Father Merrin would think twice before stepping in.

You sneer at the uncivilised lot. You think an endurance race could be easier. You are suprised at the obvious lack or order. You think movie watching is an art only enjoyed by the elite. "Eek, is this a movie show or some sort of tribal ritualistic dance" you ask. I would love to give you a well thought out answer. But you see, the camphor is already up in the screen and the cans of milk are emtpied coz just now my thalaivar (leader) made his appearance singing "Naan autokaaran autokaaran" (I am an autodriver) and i really need to get going for my group-tappanguthu (another symbol of universal brotherhood where the dancers and dancer-nots synch in perfect harmony - also a tribal ritualistic dance too, you are indeed prophetic - you should be from either madras or coimbatore). Go on, watch a movie making sure your crease doesnt get wrinkled and you dont break into a sweat. Good luck with that and So long.