Shame Shame Puppy Shame

A six month hiatus from one's own blog is usually unpardonable. Even if it is one that isn't read by anyone else on this astral plane. Coming to aforesaid blog with a comeback post is shameful. Even if it is one that isn't laughed at by anyone else on any other astral plane.

And then, Michael Schumacher, as his name is usually misspelt (real name: Soomaker), announced his comeback. It was a no-contest between the radiance of my shame (Shame Radiance Reading: Lakshmi Vedi) and the brilliance emanated from Soomaker's (SRR: any explosion on the Pikinni Atoll). I just lost the argument of "Is this comeback post the biggest act of shame in self-promotion". And the margin is monumental.

Surprised at Soomaker's decision to come back? Are you one from the "I am glad God is coming back. Now you will fear His wrath. The Rain Master. The Champion of Champions. No, He is not a cheater. He is not a sore loser. You are. All you Hakkinen/Raikkonen/Alonso fans are. Mummy, this blog says untrue things about Soomaker and hurting my feelings. Mummy, make him stop. You are a bad-bad boy. Mummmeeeeee " club? You came to the right place. Here is an exclusive look into Soomaker's diary.

Nov 3, 2009.

Great news. Kimi not coming back to F1 this year. Should somehow convince Ferrari to take me in. Life is good again.

Nov 7, 2009

Alonso driving Ferrari? Sehr geehrter Herr. Should check if Todt can give second-rate car like we used to give Rubens. Ah, good days back then.

Nov 11, 2009

Ferrari not taking me back. Thank God. Can't complete with Alonso. Got kicked-in-butt twice already with better car. Can't take more.

Nov 15, 2009

Need a car that can make _any_ driver a contender. Hey, how about Brawn ?? If Button, who won exactly one Grand Prix in 9 years exclusively because of rain and a motherlode of luck, can win a championship in a Brawn, I shouldn't do much worse. Right ?? Right ??

Nov 22, 2009

Stupid Vettel. Stupid stupid Vettel. I hate him. Mercedes wants a German driver and this stupid Vettel is an available, talented German driver. Should forge a birth certificate to say he was born elsewhere.

Nov 29, 2009

I love Austria. I love Austrians. Heck, I would love flesh-eating-nanobots if they could tie up Sebastian Vettel till 2011.

Dec 4, 2009

Told Brawn I will be driver #1. As usual, there will be no driver #2-#9. The "other" driver _could_ be #10 or beyond if he goes on his knees and begs for it.

Dec 11, 2009

Remember to pass on "Barrichello's Post Race Interviews" DVD to Rosberg for mental conditioning. Add "Excerpts from Austria 2002" bonus DVD.

Dec 28, 2009

Hurt hip when practicing signature celebration move aka "jump from podium like a chimp". Should use this as an excuse when not winning.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

Mid Life Crisis

Quick. Go and check the blog for everyone you know who is on either side of 30 today. Like right now. What do you find? Some post on Megan Fox's acting chops (or otherwise) hoping the wife doesn't watch? A diatribe on the reporting manager? A treatise on the current recession and how it hasn't been giving double-digit salary rises as it used to? Still fuming about the 20/20 WC?

While all the above are quite possibly good options, this week in the 30-somethings diary will be dedicated to Michael Jackson. For MJ was the Apostle of Bathroom Dancing to people born in the 70s and even the early 80s.

Bathroom Dancing is an art, but a violent one like Kalari Payattu or Mixed Martial Arts where every moment is laced with danger. Fortunately BD does not require a partner like the other activities.

Unsure how BD can be dangerous? Try moonwalking on a wet bathroom floor, looking forward but walking backward. It usually results in a terrible thud and concerned parents asking if you are okay. Or how about the anti-gravity lean from "Smooth Criminals" without the protective pillows all around? Its safe to say that having the ground come up at such short notice isn't a pleasant feeling. But what has to be quite the killer is the attempted Toe-Stand from "Jam". It would literally hurt to imagine a 100-pound body attempting to stand just on two big toes, wearing no protective footwear like MJ.

Despite all self-inflicted injuries to fans, it is undeniable that MJ taught a whole generation to dance like no one is watching (sometimes, thankful that no one is watching). He made rich kids badger their parents to buy big boom boxes and show off. He helped school bullies get extremely cocky and go on stage to try assorted dance steps in an effort to impress the women and inadvertently giving the rest of us tonnes of fun episodes to talk about even today. Me? Nostalgia and RIPs aside, it probably worked best for all parties that "Nevermind" happened. So long MJ, Keep Dancing.

Note: Having partners for BD is only a matter of personal preference and don't let this blog hold you up. Just make sure your partner knows what s/he is getting into.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

Ultimate Protection And Then Some

So you are coming back home after destroying the Death Star and The Galactic Emperor, this after taking down the T1000 and some martial combats against Agent Smith. You step into your home and you see this: hall strewn over, things lying upside down and a low groan/moan from somewhere in the dark. Unsure how you missed such a natural threat? Feeling under-prepared? Relax, Ultimate Protection against the Undead is just a library away.

When you see a title like "The Zombie surivival guide" subtitled "Complete protection from the living dead" with a rifle and machete right beneath, you look forward to reading a "shaun of the dead" like comedy-horror. At least I did. What I got was a complete tongue-in-cheek parody of all survival guides, only a little too tongue-in-cheek for my tastes.

Not sure how to spot an outbreak? Check the guide. There are reports of an outbreak and you don't have enough time to get out? Check the guide. Have a whole cache of weapons ranging from sub-machine guns to swiss army knives and unsure which one to choose? Check the guide. Want to team up with some Resident Evil fans and take out the undead? Yep, check the guide.

In short, When the undead do roll out their plan of hostile takeover, make sure you have this book in hand to run, hide, kill, clean and reclaim our planet. The book itself is partitioned into aforesaid sections with great detail on what weapon to choose, how to fortify your location, how to identify an outbreak and most importantly, how to plan for your hideout. Whew.

The premise is beautifully set for Max Brooks to take his dad's signature sarcasm and run with it. But he lets the juicy half volley safely to the 'keeper without offering a stroke and hopes you liked the twist. Not me. The "zombie incidents" section was fun, but the guide itself was just about okay. In a planet where people stored firewood, canned soup and cartons of paper napkins ahead of "Y2K", am sure this is a holy manuscript alongside other potential best sellers like "Trekking through Mordor" and "What to order at the restaurant at the end of the universe".

FWIW, the bonus chapter from Max Brooks' next book (World War Z) has me looking out for that. The fact that the second book has already been optioned out as a film, more so.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

NewsReel - The Ossification Outrage

Afraidhe Issues Ultimatum

Dashing opener/middle-order/tail-order/12thman/thug Sickhead Afraidhe launched a verbal assault on the Indian legal system and it's reliance on arcane methods like ossification for determining someone's real age.

Afraidhe, in a special interview with our correspondent Darkha Butt, expressed his dismay over such potentially unpredictable methods. "What if it was an undigested haddi from the mountain goat I had for breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks/drinks?", he asked. He also said he was puzzled over the the cost-effectiveness of such methods since there were other cheaper, reliable and 100% trustworthy methods. When asked to explain what they were, he scratched his nose and said "my word. my birth certificate" in that order.

Celebrating his 19th birthday along with his friends, family and a few bookies, Afraidhe expressed his happiness that the ICC does not resort to such unscientific methods. "It would be devastating for me and my friend Rasan Haza if such methods were chosen by the ICC", he said. Rasan Haza, who has been 16 years old since the start of the new millenium, nodded violently. "It really scares me to think that someone will test a mere bone in my body 10 years from now and say I am 29. That would totally ruin my 20th birthday party", afraidhe conculded.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

NewsReel - The Bisibelebath Brouhaha

News Reel - Where All News Is Essentially Reel

SaiGo Says There Will Be Bisebelebath in Madras

Leading chef SaiGo (Saidapettai Govindasami) thundered that Madras will witness a deluge of Bisibelebath if Bangalore does not desist from spreading that strange red-colored paste inside masala dosais.

Hearing such an outrage against traditional masala dosais, which should technically contain strictly a dosai and some masala, SaiGo also mentioned the minds of the thamizh people had become a "kothu parotta" over this vexing issue. He later said that he actually meant a geographical phenomenon which was also the name of a mid-80s Thyagarajan film.

He recalled the chili-chicken-throwing incident at a Virumandi Vilas outlet recently and warned of further repercussions. Bangaloreans could only make paste-smeared masala dosa, but "here we have people who can make bisibelebath cold and without rice and paruppu. The next generation of youth is not like us", he later told reporters.

Mr. SaiGo said that the mere Golden Quadrilateral between Madras and Bangalore could not permanently prevent the Tamil youth from visiting that city with an anda full of batter. “If sowcarpet can have a Data Udupi Hotel, why can't chickpet have a New Ganesh Bavan??".

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

NewsReel - The Chicken Conundrum

News Reel - Where All News Is Essentially Reel

Leg Piece Thrown At Mayan
A sick hen, kokkarakko ko, flung a piece of chilli chicken at Mr. Mayan, VP of Virumandi Vilas in protest against the organization's decision not to upgrade the name of chicken 65 to chicken 2009 in tune with modern times.

Mr. Ko threw the piece of chilli chicken during a press conference at the Virumandi Vilas headquarters in Vadipatti when the VP refused to be drawn into a discussion about the change in historic nomenclature. The chicken piece was about to miss Mr. Mayan by a fair margin when he somersaulted in the air and caught it in his mouth to some wild cheering from his organizational comrades.

Mr. Ko was immediately whisked by Hotel security who were reported to be carrying nice round clubs which were topped with nails. Passers-by observed some muffled screaming from the kitchens of Virumandi Vilas and hotel patrons complained of mute whines later in the evening.

Momentarily taken back by Mr. Ko's action, Mr. Mayan insisted on going ahead with the press conference. When asked for his reaction, Mr. Mayan said : "the piece was tasty".

Later, talking exclusive to NewsReel's own firebrand reporter Oorga Butt, Mr. Ko regretted his form of protest. "I usually eat any leg piece that am given and am sad I had to hurl it at Mr. Mayan. The leg piece might be gone, but the issue still remains"

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

Ego custodiet ipsos custodes

Arunthur's Journal: 1987. Moore and Gibbons just released novel. Can't read right now. Book rated 'R'. Also no time, have to memorize 13th table for tomorrow's class.

Arunthur's Journal: 1991. Terry Gilliam wants to make movie out of novel. Called novel unfilmable and gave up. Couldn't care less. It cannot beat "Thalapathi" anyways.

Arunthur's Journal: May 2005. Using torrents heavily. No MP3s or movies, such downloaders should be lynched. Only graphic novels. Should be commended for that. Got the entire novel today and trying to read on Acrobat. Wish me luck.

Arunthur's Journal: June 2005. Read the novel. re-read it. Reading it for the third time now. Acrobat hurts. Eyes aching. Will not rest. Will not give up. Will laugh in the face of fatigue.

Rorshach's Journal: 2006. Novel languishes in development hell. No one ready to dare. Cowards.

Rorshach's Journal: 2007. Ray of hope. Zach Snyder wants to film novel. Good man Snyder. Loved 300. Heavy metal music. Lot of blood. Nice.

Rorshach's Journal: 2008. Watched trailer. Kicks ass. Cannot wait for March 2009. Gutless hollywood execs saying 'No' till now. They will all have to answer to me. And when they scream for mercy, I will say 'No'.

Rorschach's Journal: March 2009. Jet streams of blood pounding in heart. Have tickets in hand. Show starts in 5 minutes. Here I come.

Rorschach's Journal: Gilliam was right. Novel is indeed unfilmable. Snyder chose 300 wisely. Lot of action, linear narration, tonnes of eye-catchy moments. Worked out well. An entirely different beast this one. Snyder tried. The innovative narration of the "Minutemen" story, casting, novel panels translated to screen with precision, truthful to whatever original material it covers, the "grassy knoll" sequence and other nice touches. Snyder tried, hats off. But novel not just story of 6 individuals. Novel much more than that.

Minutemen appear only in title sequence, Hollis appears for 5 minutes, Hooded Justice shows up only to beat up comedian, Ozymandias' comes out as crazy guy, not the twisted-yet-determined genius. Whats with the doctor who interviews Rorshach ?? The folks at New Frontiersman, The lesbian lovers, The apocalyptic painting, the news vendor, the "black freighter" fan ?? Where are they ?? All wrong. Completely wrong. Need to be fixed. Need some time alone with film producers and iron pipe. Need to politely instruct them to stay off "Sandman".

Biggest gripe on how Snyder filmed Rorshach. Jackie Earle Haley did justice, Snyder did not. Rorshach's backstory dumbed down. Rorschach's jail interviews dumbed down. Nothing on Kitty Genovese and the Rorshach Blot. Shame. Importantly, Rorschach has tears in the end ?? _The_ Rorschach ?? Too bad, Snyder. Too bad.

I know what you think. "Greatest novel of all time, made into a movie, idiot blogger does not understand". "Need a 12-hour movie to film everything, stupid blogger". "I waited all my life for this movie adaptation, if you didn't like the movie, crawl back in your hole, tasteless blogger". Had a choice. Could have taken easy way out. Could have showered glory on film. Could have gone with the crowd. But, Never. No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...

10 Things You Least Wanted To Know About Switzerland

10. Rivers running through cities. A bridge with curved pillars every mile. Cobbled streets that go nowhere and everywhere. Church with huge clock. Tall buildings with spires. The occasional castle with a torture chamber. All checked. Now I can start narrating stories that begin "You know that time when I was backpacking across Western Europe ...."

9. After days of eating Fondue, Raclette and Pizzas, you realize that white rice is actually ambrozia.

8. That piece of cloth that looked like a shoe-wipe is not a shoe-wipe, but designer wear. That price tag of 49 swiss francs is actually 49 swiss francs and is officially outright robbery.

7. Vegas makes money with casinos. Paris makes money with museums. Bangalore makes money with computers. Switzerland makes money with cows wearing bells and banks without rules.

6. The California state motto of "Eureka" is inspired by Archimedes. New Hampshire gets it's motto of "Live Free or Die" from a famous American Revolutionary. Zurich gets its motto from the famous thamizh saying "thottadhukellam kaasu".

5. Have "shopping issues" ?? Worried if significant-half will run riot shopping ?? Fear not. Provide SH directions to Bahnofstrasse - where the sheer number of shops make it look like North Usman Road, but price tags make it the Champs Elysee of Zurich. The only affordable thing found (and was immediately bought) on Bahnofstrasse: Roasted Peanuts.

4. All the statues found on main downtown streets feature nude gods and godesses. Either the medieval sculptors were less imaginative with fashion or there was no fear of censorship.

3. Daily breakfast together at the hotel buffet. Daily lunch on in-room service. Daily Dinner at the Airport food court. This has to the most romantic swiss trip imaginable. By a margin as wide as Sehwag's bat.

2. If there was a 11th commandment, it would read "Don't indulge in Swiss Chocolates". A simple plan of eating a single bar is usually followed by a few hours of empty staring at the bulging gut with enormous volumes of guilt and a dozen wrappers at your feet. Sinful.

1. Engineers are polite. Waiters are polite. Managers are polite. CIOs are polite. Drivers are polite. Co-passengers are polite. Dogs are polite. Everyone is so polite that one would think Poornam Viswanadhan was a dada from korukkupet.

Read on ... (at your own peril, obviously) ...